Breathe

"Two A.M. and I'm still awake, Writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, It's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs ".

That is my predicament at this point (well, not writing the song part). In my mind, I'm constantly running through the many things I need to get done before and after the baby comes, that I can't shut down at night. I fall asleep between 1 and 3 a.m. and wake up at 7 (with the exception of the last couple days as Lexi's been getting up at 5:45 a.m.). Last night, I fell asleep around midnight and woke up at 4. I couldn't fall back asleep for nothin'! I can sometimes nap when Lexi does, but that isn't always possible. And, as we all know sleep deprivation is a proven form of torture. Three to four hours a night for weeks on end just doesn't help a person function very well. Plus, there's the "parking meter syndrome" I have with my hips. They have a one hour use time, max, for either side. Then DING! times up and I better change the way I'm laying. As you moms know, that makes for lots of tossing (or should I say, grunting, pulling body over, stomach coming a full 2 seconds later and you crash into your new position) during sleep time.

Sometimes, writing down what is inside of my head helps relieve the congestion. So, you lucky readers get to see the tornado of disorganization that is my brain. These are in no particular order.

• I've got to get back in shape to ride by Spring. Not the shape I was in before I got pregnant. No, the shape I need to be in to be safe. Lots different and way more work.
• Will I be able to ride with 2 kids?
• I already have clients waiting for word on what I'll be doing come Spring and Summer, and I'm really missing saddle time. I can make this work. Who can I have nanny for me?
• Don't worry, things work out the way they should.
• I'm still worried. Who can I get that I trust with my kids?
• Will I be able to have this baby VBAC? Am I really going to be able to have success at this endeavor? Not the actual incision being an issue, but my strength? Will it be enough?
• Will I get any rest once Lexi is in her big girl bed? Will I wake up to her staring at me all of the time? Will Lexi ever get any rest once she has a big girl bed?
• When will she potty train? How the heck do you potty train a kid? She used to tell me when she had gone #2 in her diaper. Now, she doesn't say anything. Did I miss the window of opportunity? Have I created a child who is so used to filth, she isn't bothered by it?
• I Be Streakin' needs exercise. I need to develop a fitting program for him so that by Spring he'll be ready for me to use to pony colts, take clients out, give lessons, etc.
• Will Lexi be ok if we have to leave her in the middle of the night if I go into labor then? Will she be scared when she wakes up to someone else and can't see Mommy or Daddy for who knows how long? Maybe I should just go alone to the hospital and Allen can bring her after the baby has been born.
• How are we going to afford the few things we need for "the second coming" without going into any debt when we've put so much into the yard recently and with Christmas coming? Can we? What can I do without?
• Will I be able to breastfeed? Should I get the breast pump and give it my all? Should I hold off and see what happens? I don't want any excuses when it gets tough and a little time may be all we need so I lean toward the breast pump in case we take a little while to get it all worked out. But, they cost so much. Allen's already expressed (ha! No pun intended though) his doubts about it actually working and how much money it would cost just to fail. So, the guilt of failing is already top of mind, especially if I invest in a pump.
• How much weight have I gained? Will I be able to lose it and the extra I put on when Lexi was about 10 months old? Can I ever really be disciplined enough to get to a place I'm content?
• Will we have a nursery for this kid, or will it live in the pack 'n play because we don't have the time to finish all of the work in the yard, do Lexi's room and do the nursery by the time this kid will show up. If that's the case, should I just keep Lexi in her crib since the baby can be in a bassinet anyways and not change too much too soon?
• Am I the only one in this family who worries about this stuff?
• Sometimes, I feel so lonely. But, I feel like all I want is some freakin' alone time!
• I better do some more research and find Lexi a good preschool for the Spring. There's none in the area so it looks like ABQ for us. That's ok. Baby can just come along and we'll run errands or something while Lexi's at school for a couple of hours.
• A horse trainer I know if is totally taking advantage of some people I know. Do I say something? Advice I've given (when asked) is sometimes taken, sometimes ignored. Should I risk insulting someone they trust or let this be a school of hard knocks type lesson? What if their kid gets hurt?
• Will I be able to take some time off from my calling? Is everything organized so that I can walk away for a few weeks and everyone is clear on what's going on? Do I have some bits of information in my head they'll need? Have I missed anything?
• Will we go full term? There's no reason we shouldn't. I'm a little concerned about it though.

There is quite the litany of worries occupying my brain at this point. I love the message behind this song. Life is going to move forward, whether I'm stressed about it or not. Letting it go is a lot easier than it sounds, though. While stress never makes any part of life easier or more enjoyable, it is a real entity to deal with. And so, I try to take my own advice and just breathe.

"Cause you can't jump the track, We're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand And breathe, just breathe" (Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 a.m.))