Admitting Defeat

Or is it accepting reality? After working non-stop for the last 4 or 5 months, we have realized that we must manage an act of super human proportions to really get the sod in this weekend. Those dumb rocks and then the rain that filled in the trenches have really put a kink in our efforts.

And let me just be honest, I'm getting tired! I hate to even utter the words with 10 weeks to go since I know what lay ahead. As I said to B & L on Sunday, "The only thing worse than being pregnant is having a newborn!" I'm not thinking getting un-pregnant will make anything easier. I'm not one to quit just because I feel tired, or my back hurts, or the whole day has totally sucked, though. And, I'm having a hard time pulling energy when it feels like none exists! Let me explain why this is an issue for us this week.

Allen mentioned not getting sod this weekend. Well, we have a carefully orchestrated plan involving completion of the yard, Lexi's room and the nursery. If one weekend doesn't work out, the ripple effect will hurt all of the other projects. And, they wouldn't get done by the time this kid comes which is totally unacceptable since it involves the nursery. So, when we think of moving sod out another week, I hear "Lexi won't have her big girl bed until mid-November. So mom, you get just 4 weeks to transition her to a brand new room. That means getting up with her every time she gets up, inconsistent napping (if any) coupled with the fact you don't sleep at all now as it is because it feels like knitting needles are being rammed in your hips 24 hours a day. Let's not forget the sleepless nights waiting for you after you push the baby out." I basically have a total melt down, my head spins around like the girl from Exorcist, and I start sobbing uncontrollably. Well, I don't start sobbing, but the rest has been known to happen.

My response to Allen's very reasonable suggestion, "We can do this. We've been working in this *%$#?!@ yard for the last 10 months and we're only days away from reprieve. Let's do what it takes." This means not only does Allen have to work 16 hours a day. I do too. No help with Lexi. No help with dishes. No break from bending over and over and over. It means Allen gets up at 4 or 5 to get to work early so he can come home early and go straight to the yard. He comes in when it gets dark to eat and say night to Lexi. Then, he goes back out and works until 10 (now, in the past, we have both suited up for a night of working after Lexi has gone down - welding sparks flying in the night, moving hay, moving rocks, whatever it takes but since I'm exempt from heavy labor at this point, Allen's on his own). So, I get up with Lexi, play with Lexi, clean house, do dishes (and how can there be so many dishes, it's worse than the laundry - put one dish in the sink and 2 come back out!), do laundry, give riding lessons, do the shopping, do my calling, document our family, make dinner, do dishes, feed Lexi, bathe Lexi, sit on the floor with Lexi, get up, sit down, get up, down, up, down, up like 200 times a day, and finally put her down (the normal mom or stay-at-home person routine) for the last 10 months, 6 and sometimes 7 days a week. You know, Lexi's pretty easy. It's not the caring for Lexi that is the problem. It's the extra 8 lbs. of person and extra fluid hanging off the front of me that makes things a tougher than usual. Since this is my first time being pregnant while having to care for a child, it's just another lesson in how resilient a mom has to be and can be. Albeit, a hard one as you trudge the trail for the first time.

Last night, I actually asked Allen for help. I've tried to hard not to ask him for anything in the house while he's putting so much into the yard. He helped and very willingly. I felt bad the whole time. I also called our home teacher, neighbor, and a friend to see if they could come Saturday for a few hours to help lay sod (we'll be getting 12,000 lbs. of lawn and that's just a little much for Allen to tackle on his own). Our home teacher said he'd be happy to help. I was wracked with guilt. Why should someone else give up their precious Saturday to help us? We've done this whole thing alone and we can do this too. I'll help Allen. I can put sod pieces together while he brings it over. I've helped with cement, welding, ground prep all while playing full-time mom and I'm alive to tell the story. I can get tough, right?

The reality is that I can help Allen for about an hour and then my back disintegrates. I'm then useless for the next 2 days. It just seems to take a little longer to bounce back. This, for me, is really frustrating. It's frustrating to feel weak. I feel like I'm being defeated by the house, the yard and all of the other things I'm supposed to get done with a smile on my face. I'm not a weak person. I know my capacities and I know I can exceed those most of the time when I have to. I think every mom and dad has realized this as they manage to care for their kids. I also think of the 20 hour days I pulled in freezing temperatures while outfitting. I made it. I did just fine. I was a little delirious on some of those days, but who wasn't? The reality is this: I wasn't caring for a 2 year old and I wasn't pregnant. Now, that doesn't give me a ticket to whineytown or martyrville. But, accepting the reality (I know, I'm still in denial and I've been pregnant for what, 7 1/2 months?) will help me organize my responsibilities in a way that allows me get them done and have some life left to me at the end of the day.

We're going to put in sod this weekend. Come hell or high water, that grass will be in our yard by the time Saturday turns into Sunday. Only 4 more days. I can do that. Allen can do that. Then, we'll collapse, never to be heard from again! No, we'll finish the open sprinkler lines, fill trenches, put fences back up, and finish what we started in Lexi's room. Deadline for big girl transition: November 1. We can do that too!!