Choosing Health

About a month ago, I asked my doctors about LapBand surgery. My weight had hit an all-time high. I was having some unfortunate health symptoms as well. Both of my doctors said absolutely not. They would not approve surgery for a young woman who could try some other methods first.

They both told me I had 75 lbs. to lose. Holy shiz! Thats a lot of weight.

And they they both recommended Medi-fast.

Oddly enough, I had been communicating with one of their health coaches for a couple of months. But I hadn't been ready to pull the trigger.

I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I relax. I eat when I have company. I eat when I'm alone.

Who exactly will I be without food? Will I really find other activities to fill my time and be able to feel fulfilled?

Plus, what if two years from now I'm a fat ass again? My biggest fear about doing something like this is that I'll fail. I don't fail. I succeed. When something challenges me, I learn all that I can and work as hard as I can until I own it. How am I going to look you guys in the face if I don't win this time?

I've always been able to overcome just about anything I want. Except my food cravings. For that reason, I've never sincerely tried to deal with my dysfunctional relationship with food. I stayed as far away as possible because the mere thought of failure is so discouraging.

But, I hate being fat more than I hate the idea of failure. I hate knowing that people question my athleticism because of my weight. I hate knowing that my clothes look bad. I hate feeling my skin rub and my back jiggle. I hate knowing that my true self is hidden beneath a disguise of extra weight.

That impetus has fueled my efforts.

I've lost 14 lbs. in two weeks.

Don't let that number fool you into thinking it's easy. It's not. It's really hard. I want to eat everything I see most of the time. I feel hungry all of the time. I get cranky sometimes and have to reel my emotions back in and get in touch with reality about 57 times a day. I want to eat pizza and McDonalds when the days are long.

But, I've looked my food addiction in the eye and haven't given in yet. I've squared my shoulders and grilled chicken breast when pepperoni was seductively whispering my name. I've had a full glass of water to quell sugar cravings. I've replaced boredom eating with 15 minute tasks that help me make it through the physical temptation to put food into my face that doesn't need to be there.

It's been hour by hour and even minute by minute some days. When it gets really tough, I journal. I haven't cried yet, but I it might happen here in the near future.

My coach checks in with me several times a week. She also has 3 kids (but they are 4 and under and includes a set of twins!) and has kept off 85 lbs. She lives my life and knows exactly what I'm going through.

When I hit my goal weight, she'll spend 3 months teaching me how to incorporate healthy food back into my diet so I will never be fat again.

Everyday, just as my little shaker bottle declares, I choose health. I choose health a million times a day because I hate being fat more than I hate being hungry. More than I hate feeling sluggish. I want my body back.

I want out from underneath the disguise.


Lisa @ Pulsipher Page said...

Your story sounds just like mine. I finally started Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago. 6 pounds so far! Hang in there....I'm struggling and doing it right along side you.


LWR said...

Boy, can I relate! It's a daily struggle. I like my mantra about not giving in to every tempation or craving. You have to 'grow up' and 'absorb' the difference between want and need. I'm trying to choose to be healthy! GOOD LUCK!!

twinzmama said...

Thank you for this!! I have been feeling the exact same way and maybe knowing I'm not alone will help! Keep up the hard work and know I love ya, good luck!!

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What started as a way to communicate with far away friends and family has become a place for this horse trainer/HR manager turned stay at home mom of 3 girls to hold on to a bit of her own identity. It's my take on the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the thoughts and feelings, the mistakes and triumphs of this family as we bumble our way to eternity.