Like Waterboarding

Only more torturous.

I'm talking about living through the month of December AND sticking to my healthy eating plan. It was a test of willpower like no other.

I think it's akin to taking a recovering alcoholic to the bar every night and expecting him to say no as you offer him a drink over and over and over again.

Plus, I love to cook and bake. The Holidays are a great excuse to make lots of yummy treats that are only available once a year.  I didn't want my family to go without our traditions because of my past mistakes. I did not refrain from making those family favorites. I did not nibble, lick, bite, or taste them in the process though.

But it was so, so, so, so hard. My mouth literally watered at times. My resolve became much more than just an emotional component of my being. It was like a physical entity and I could feel it becoming weak and start to crack as the month wore on. 

I had moments of exhaustion. I was physically drained by the constant battle waging within. The cravings and old habits would creep up in my mind, trying to entice me to give in just the once. I felt mental fatigue as I said No. No. No. No. NOOOOO!

I was engaged in a war. A war with years of habit. A war with real, physical responses to food. A war with myself about how I'd ended up here. The guilt and disgust of a thousand bad choices came bubbling to the surface like a backed up drain.

In all honestly, simply lusting after all of that sugary, savory and oh-so delicious food felt like I'd cheated all month long. Then, to my own surprise, I hit 55 lbs. lost the week of Christmas.

I knew that there would be a few "free" days for me in the month and I planned accordingly. I was true to my commitment and I didn't cheat. I made extremely healthy choices to help balance the holiday fare I knew I would be enjoying at certain times.

The entire experience is almost surreal. Saying no and choosing health over and over and over again was such a struggle for me, I feel like I've almost wiped it from my memory. Like childbirth. So hard. So awful. It nearly rips you in two. But the reward is so great you know you'll do it again.

That may seem dramatic, but for me, it was that intense. I am so extremely satisfied with how I coped with the temptation. I know I am the boss of my mind and body. I am not a pawn to be controlled by my cravings.

This is what losing 55 lbs. looks like for me:

Lexi and me: end of May
Super awesome picture, huh?

Only 20 more to go!


Silcox Stories said...

You are a true inspiration!!!!

The Giuliacci Family said...

I am so stinkin' proud of you, I can barely stand it! When I saw the thumbnail of the photo of you and Lexi in the blog reader, i thought, "Really? I thought she looked way hotter than that!" Turns out it is a before photo and YES! you do look WAY HOT, my friend. Way to go. Your willpower is seriously inspiring. The same could be said for any addiction.

Liz R. said...

i feel your pain! but i am so impressed with how hard you are working! you are better for it for sure. keep up the good work!

marti said...

rrrowwww... bow chica bow wow! foxy lady. Well done, skinny. I say a shopping trip is in order. I love the tights, too. Where from? (and fyi, my word verification for this post is "poodica". Really, google? "poodica"??? dude.)

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What started as a way to communicate with far away friends and family has become a place for this horse trainer/HR manager turned stay at home mom of 3 girls to hold on to a bit of her own identity. It's my take on the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the thoughts and feelings, the mistakes and triumphs of this family as we bumble our way to eternity.