Where do I begin? Let's take a trip down memory lane. It's January 2007. I get this thought, "You (not I) should be trying to have another baby." Elvis creeps into my mind: Return to senda, address unknown! A few weeks later, "You should be trying to have another baby." Hmmm. Sorry, but it looks like there's no forwarding address for this one.
Now, it's March. I'm still getting the, "You should..." and haven't said a thing to anyone. Especially Allen. No way man. Lexi's just a year old, I'm just starting to be a sort-of-human again, my business is thriving and well, just NO WAY! Sine I keep getting the information I finally say something to Allen. I'm sure he's devastated by the announcement as "trying" again becomes a focus in our relationship.
Late July, I'm feeling pretty yucky and am late. I wait a week and am still missing my friend. So, I test and surprise! we're pregnant. Because we had just changed health insurance, I was scheduled for a regular 10 (ended up being 12 though) week appointment. I figured we had had one, I had been given the spiritual go ahead, and all would be well so I didn't push it. However, while in CA around 8 weeks, I just have "that feeling" that all is not normal. But, with our history a little paranoia is to be expected and I kind of brush it off.
Four weeks later, we go in. I already know what the outcome is going to be. They do the ultrasound and our baby has no heartbeat. The pregnancy stopped being viable at 8 weeks. At this point, as callous as it sounds, I'm more concerned about just getting through it than mourning the potential life we've lost. So, we go ahead and do all that is necessary (have I mentioned we had my stepdad in town to try and show him the cool places in New Mexico? That was a total bust as we ended up in the ER two days later and I was in bed on meds the whole weekend). But, four months later, I'm still having (sorry for the detail) bleeding and have been every day since September. After hemorrhaging and spending the night in the ER, they decide to finally do surgery (this was a week after we moved into our new home). Thankfully, all was set to rights after the surgery.
Allen and I had a really rough winter with the miscarriage, move, and life in general. So, it's now March 2008 and we're finally making some headway. I'm feeling really good physically (a month after the surgery I had that bad fall from the horse), spiritually, hopeful in my marriage and got lots of horses scheduled for the spring and summer.
I'm eagerly awaiting starting my new birth control as I had a really bad reaction to another one I was trying. We both know we're not ready to have another baby or deal with the impact of another miscarriage. We just want to coast for a while. March rolls by and it's April. April Fools Day, no less. Again, I'm late. Can't be. I timed this out and there is no way. Allen and I are in no place to add the stress of another baby. We've just started really making it all work again. I've got plans. So, I wait. And wait. Because I want to start the pill and move on, I take a test. You guessed it.
I start crying. Not only for all of the reasons I listed above, but how am I going to handle another loss and just on the heels of the other one? I call the doctor immediately and they schedule an ultrasound for the next day. My mom arrived that day for her week long trip and time just about stopped as we waited for the appointment. We get in there and NOTHING. No pregnancy. Doctor says I must have a false positive, but sends me for blood work to verify. I asked, "What about a very early pregnancy - like 2-3 weeks?" Well, they say, it would be impossible to see anything so that is possible, but very unlikely since pee tests don't see a pregnancy until later than that.
They call me with blood work. Yes, you're pregnant. How pregnant? Well, 10,000 is the hormone number we look for to know we can see something. My number: 24. Hmmm. They tell us we're having yet another miscarriage. If timing wasn't messed up, I wouldn't have tested at all and like many pregnancies, would have terminated on it's own before I even knew. Did I mention I've been bleeding since the ultrasound? They say, yeah, you're miscarrying. Let's watch it. Since your body didn't do well with the last miscarriage, we want to make sure this one goes away completely. Take another test in 2 days.
At this point, I just want to know which way it's going to go. Bleeding tells me that I'll lose the pregnancy, and I'm prepared for that, I just want to know! So, I take the test. The numbers have more than doubled which indicates the pregnancy is progressing. They ask me to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. They put me on progesterone (not the oral kind - a real treat), metformin, baby aspirin and pre-natals.
Two weeks go by, I get in there and they take a peek. It's supposed to be five weeks along. Mind you, we've already known for 3 weeks - the longest 3 weeks of my life. Bleeding every day, also. They take a peek and there is a tiny, little sac. They say, "Way too early for heartbeat so come back in 2 more weeks and we'll see."
The bleeding continues. We're now at 7 weeks. We go for the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech is the same one to find the non-viable pregnancy last time, and did both the 3 and 5 week ultrasounds we had. She knows all of us by name, now. She starts waving her hands, crying and exclaims, "I see a heartbeat! I see a heartbeat!" Of course, Allen and I choke up too and everyone in there is crying (but Lexi who has spotted a duck and is yelling, "Guck!Guck!")
But, with our history (we have a 66% failure rate), there is still a chance we'll miscarry. Doctor wants us back at week 14 for another ultrasound. Pelvic rest is the instruction since we've been bleeding for over a month. We schedule a regular OB visit for week 10. Thankfully, after this last ultrasound, the bleeding stops.
In the mean time, we decide not to tell anyone. I'm pretty sick. Well let's just say, every time I'm vertical I'm in the bathroom. So, I take up lying to all of those who ask how I am and lay off a little on the blogging ('cause what am I going to say? I'm preoccupied by the pregnancy, sick, and worried and can't say anything to anyone), miss church, mutual, some work and just try to do what is absolutely necessary. People are wondering why I'm not taking clients and missing in action so often, but we are too scared to say anything. So, I just look like total flake.
Week 10 comes and I see the doctor. I've lost 20 lbs! Allen says I pick the hardest diet plan around, but I really needed to drop the weight so I'm happy. Doc asks all the normal questions. Then we get to the ever dreaded heartbeat time. He says, "You know, it's still kind of early to get the heartbeat on Doppler." Yeah, I know. If he doesn't find a heartbeat, early or not, I'm gonna freak out and demand an ultrasound right then. So, he decides to forgo the whole thing. He checks everything out. It's a boy, he predicts, I'll be able to have a VBAC (awesome!) and everything is great. Be optimistic and we'll see you in 3 weeks for the ultrasound.
I'm getting more sick, which is a good sign (although, I've been sick with every one regardless of viability). We pass the 1st trimester threshold and look forward to our next ultrasound.
Today was our ultrasound. The baby is growing perfectly. We saw arms, legs, a spine, kicking, jumping and him/her opening and closing the mouth. The heartbeat is strong and all seems well. I have a regular OB appointment next Wednesday. We have the normal 20 week ultrasound next month and should be able to see the gender and check for all the stuff they do. (Heck ya we're going to find out!)
Our due date is December 15th. Of course, since conception didn't occur at what would have been my normal ovulation dates, we're not for sure what the due date really is. Now, some people would prefer not to have a Christmas baby, but I contend that beggars can't be choosers. And since it was virtually physically impossible for this baby to have been conceived when it was, I'm pretty sure there's a bigger influence at work here than just me and Allen.
It only seems fitting that we were consciously trying NOT to get pregnant only to find out on April Fools Day that we were. It's been the longest 11-12 weeks of my life. It's been hard to go through the gamut of emotions that come with our pregnancies and not have any release since we've been so guarded and haven't shared the news. We've been on pins and needles. We try to keep doing the normal stuff but it's always in the back of our minds, "Will this one last?" We are so grateful to be able to add one more person to our family. Below are the two pictures we've gotten. They are hard to see, but if you're really interested, you can click on the pic and will enlarge them. The baby looks like a little alien - a huge head, big eyes, and a little body all squished in there. But, it's our little alien!
Now, it's March. I'm still getting the, "You should..." and haven't said a thing to anyone. Especially Allen. No way man. Lexi's just a year old, I'm just starting to be a sort-of-human again, my business is thriving and well, just NO WAY! Sine I keep getting the information I finally say something to Allen. I'm sure he's devastated by the announcement as "trying" again becomes a focus in our relationship.
Late July, I'm feeling pretty yucky and am late. I wait a week and am still missing my friend. So, I test and surprise! we're pregnant. Because we had just changed health insurance, I was scheduled for a regular 10 (ended up being 12 though) week appointment. I figured we had had one, I had been given the spiritual go ahead, and all would be well so I didn't push it. However, while in CA around 8 weeks, I just have "that feeling" that all is not normal. But, with our history a little paranoia is to be expected and I kind of brush it off.
Four weeks later, we go in. I already know what the outcome is going to be. They do the ultrasound and our baby has no heartbeat. The pregnancy stopped being viable at 8 weeks. At this point, as callous as it sounds, I'm more concerned about just getting through it than mourning the potential life we've lost. So, we go ahead and do all that is necessary (have I mentioned we had my stepdad in town to try and show him the cool places in New Mexico? That was a total bust as we ended up in the ER two days later and I was in bed on meds the whole weekend). But, four months later, I'm still having (sorry for the detail) bleeding and have been every day since September. After hemorrhaging and spending the night in the ER, they decide to finally do surgery (this was a week after we moved into our new home). Thankfully, all was set to rights after the surgery.
Allen and I had a really rough winter with the miscarriage, move, and life in general. So, it's now March 2008 and we're finally making some headway. I'm feeling really good physically (a month after the surgery I had that bad fall from the horse), spiritually, hopeful in my marriage and got lots of horses scheduled for the spring and summer.
I'm eagerly awaiting starting my new birth control as I had a really bad reaction to another one I was trying. We both know we're not ready to have another baby or deal with the impact of another miscarriage. We just want to coast for a while. March rolls by and it's April. April Fools Day, no less. Again, I'm late. Can't be. I timed this out and there is no way. Allen and I are in no place to add the stress of another baby. We've just started really making it all work again. I've got plans. So, I wait. And wait. Because I want to start the pill and move on, I take a test. You guessed it.
I start crying. Not only for all of the reasons I listed above, but how am I going to handle another loss and just on the heels of the other one? I call the doctor immediately and they schedule an ultrasound for the next day. My mom arrived that day for her week long trip and time just about stopped as we waited for the appointment. We get in there and NOTHING. No pregnancy. Doctor says I must have a false positive, but sends me for blood work to verify. I asked, "What about a very early pregnancy - like 2-3 weeks?" Well, they say, it would be impossible to see anything so that is possible, but very unlikely since pee tests don't see a pregnancy until later than that.
They call me with blood work. Yes, you're pregnant. How pregnant? Well, 10,000 is the hormone number we look for to know we can see something. My number: 24. Hmmm. They tell us we're having yet another miscarriage. If timing wasn't messed up, I wouldn't have tested at all and like many pregnancies, would have terminated on it's own before I even knew. Did I mention I've been bleeding since the ultrasound? They say, yeah, you're miscarrying. Let's watch it. Since your body didn't do well with the last miscarriage, we want to make sure this one goes away completely. Take another test in 2 days.
At this point, I just want to know which way it's going to go. Bleeding tells me that I'll lose the pregnancy, and I'm prepared for that, I just want to know! So, I take the test. The numbers have more than doubled which indicates the pregnancy is progressing. They ask me to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. They put me on progesterone (not the oral kind - a real treat), metformin, baby aspirin and pre-natals.
Two weeks go by, I get in there and they take a peek. It's supposed to be five weeks along. Mind you, we've already known for 3 weeks - the longest 3 weeks of my life. Bleeding every day, also. They take a peek and there is a tiny, little sac. They say, "Way too early for heartbeat so come back in 2 more weeks and we'll see."
The bleeding continues. We're now at 7 weeks. We go for the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech is the same one to find the non-viable pregnancy last time, and did both the 3 and 5 week ultrasounds we had. She knows all of us by name, now. She starts waving her hands, crying and exclaims, "I see a heartbeat! I see a heartbeat!" Of course, Allen and I choke up too and everyone in there is crying (but Lexi who has spotted a duck and is yelling, "Guck!Guck!")
But, with our history (we have a 66% failure rate), there is still a chance we'll miscarry. Doctor wants us back at week 14 for another ultrasound. Pelvic rest is the instruction since we've been bleeding for over a month. We schedule a regular OB visit for week 10. Thankfully, after this last ultrasound, the bleeding stops.
In the mean time, we decide not to tell anyone. I'm pretty sick. Well let's just say, every time I'm vertical I'm in the bathroom. So, I take up lying to all of those who ask how I am and lay off a little on the blogging ('cause what am I going to say? I'm preoccupied by the pregnancy, sick, and worried and can't say anything to anyone), miss church, mutual, some work and just try to do what is absolutely necessary. People are wondering why I'm not taking clients and missing in action so often, but we are too scared to say anything. So, I just look like total flake.
Week 10 comes and I see the doctor. I've lost 20 lbs! Allen says I pick the hardest diet plan around, but I really needed to drop the weight so I'm happy. Doc asks all the normal questions. Then we get to the ever dreaded heartbeat time. He says, "You know, it's still kind of early to get the heartbeat on Doppler." Yeah, I know. If he doesn't find a heartbeat, early or not, I'm gonna freak out and demand an ultrasound right then. So, he decides to forgo the whole thing. He checks everything out. It's a boy, he predicts, I'll be able to have a VBAC (awesome!) and everything is great. Be optimistic and we'll see you in 3 weeks for the ultrasound.
I'm getting more sick, which is a good sign (although, I've been sick with every one regardless of viability). We pass the 1st trimester threshold and look forward to our next ultrasound.
Today was our ultrasound. The baby is growing perfectly. We saw arms, legs, a spine, kicking, jumping and him/her opening and closing the mouth. The heartbeat is strong and all seems well. I have a regular OB appointment next Wednesday. We have the normal 20 week ultrasound next month and should be able to see the gender and check for all the stuff they do. (Heck ya we're going to find out!)
Our due date is December 15th. Of course, since conception didn't occur at what would have been my normal ovulation dates, we're not for sure what the due date really is. Now, some people would prefer not to have a Christmas baby, but I contend that beggars can't be choosers. And since it was virtually physically impossible for this baby to have been conceived when it was, I'm pretty sure there's a bigger influence at work here than just me and Allen.
It only seems fitting that we were consciously trying NOT to get pregnant only to find out on April Fools Day that we were. It's been the longest 11-12 weeks of my life. It's been hard to go through the gamut of emotions that come with our pregnancies and not have any release since we've been so guarded and haven't shared the news. We've been on pins and needles. We try to keep doing the normal stuff but it's always in the back of our minds, "Will this one last?" We are so grateful to be able to add one more person to our family. Below are the two pictures we've gotten. They are hard to see, but if you're really interested, you can click on the pic and will enlarge them. The baby looks like a little alien - a huge head, big eyes, and a little body all squished in there. But, it's our little alien!
7 week ultrasound. You can see a small white spot on the bottom of the big liquid space with a little white line connecting it to the bigger stuff.
Our pics from today. The bottom picture is a little easier to see. The head is on the right, the body on the left. The very bright, white spot is the mouth area. The bright white spots on the body area are bones.
5 comments:
While I could never fully understand all that you have been through, I am so grateful that you just took me on your very personal journey. As sit here with my heart full and tears of joy running down my face, I only wish I could share with you how much we already love this new soul. He (I like that prediction) truly is a miracle and will be throughout his life I'm sure! We love you ALL!!!
You stinker!!! I just talked to you a few days ago and you didn't say anything...next time I see you (which may not be for a long while now) I am going to beat you!!! I remember that long night in the hospital and am so glad this has happened for you. Like I've said lately, when we're just getting comfortable, life (Heavenly Father?) throughs us curve balls! Hope it's a boy but either way you are an awesome mom. I'm bummed that I can't be there to see it since you were so great with me through my whole complicated pregnacy. Love and miss you guys!
I am so glad to hear that you'll be adding to your family! Your personal journey was great! Since you hadn't shared up until now I feel like I can start to understand your anxieties and concern. We'll be thinking of you much! LOVE!
At last, we can SPEAK! We've been so anxious and prayerful in taking this journey with you this whole time! It's fabulous, miraculous news and we are thrilled -- for all of you! Hope you feel better and better with each passing day! We love you all so much and always here for you!
Luv, G/G
I'm so happy for you! But, like you am a little cautious. I pray you can carry this little soul to term and he/she can come home with you when you are ready to leave and not vice versa. It's funny that Lexi wasn't planned and neither was this one. Good signs!!!! Try to relax as much as you can! We are so excited to see you and can't wait to talk in person.
- Laura
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