I Need a Wife

You know, someone who will:

• wash the dishes so when I reach for one they are magically available for my convenience
• cook my food so when I walk in the door hot and delicious food is ready for me
• do my laundry so when I get dressed all of my clothes are miraculously available to me without even having to think about it
• clean my house so that I can enjoy being home without the worry of actually maintaining the place
• make my appointments so that I don't have to waste my valuable brain space keeping track of myself
• wake up in the night with the kids so that my sleep isn't interrupted because I have real things to do in the morning and need a full night's rest to be at my best
• take my kids to their various appointments so I can spend my time doing things of real consequence
• always be available to babysit the kids so I can do the things of import in life without worrying about the kids and their needs
• arrange for date nights so I can enjoy a break from the mundane life I lead without having to waste my time calling the sitter, hatching the plan, and preparing the home and kids so we can leave and have a good time
• maintain my family relationships so I can see and enjoy my family without the bother of actually calling them or writing them to set up such events
• plan all family events so I can have fun with my kids and family without the mess of finding a venue, creating a budget, gathering the necessary supplies, contacting the family, making reservations, packing the goods, predicting every possible problem and providing every possible solution, or cleaning up the whole mess
• shop for the household so that when I need soap or food or a light bulb it's always available, and I never have to go without, but don't have to worry about any of it so I can spend my time doing things that really matter
• worry about my comfort and happiness so that I am well taken care of without having to actually take care of myself
• remember where every barrette, shoe, sock, book, tape measure, or miscellaneous item was last deposited so that I won't have to waste my time putting things in their rightful place but will always have what I need at hand
• cancel her own plans to take care of the needs of everyone in the household so that I don't have to be inconvenienced or miss out on something that is important in my life
• ponder the kids every need and what is best for them and where they need extra attention or if they are thriving so that I can just enjoy the fun part of parenting
• completely set aside her own needs so that my needs are always met because life is just really that stressful, and I can't possibly be bothered to worry about such things