One and Done

Five years ago, I was pregnant. It was our fourth pregnancy. Alexis was just about 18 months old. I was feeling yucky, as usual. I was standing in the family room of our first home in New Mexico, looking out toward the back yard.

I had a feeling that something wasn't right with the pregnancy. Something just felt "off." 

As I was contemplating this feeling, I had thought enter my mind. "Don't worry. This won't be your last. You'll have four." I was pretty sure we'd lose the pregnancy, but I felt peace about our future.

I've held onto the idea of four since that day. Each time we've considered adding to our family, we've prayerfully considered the option. We've both always felt that four was still our number. And so we pressed on. We've gone on to have Addison, Emily, and another miscarriage.

After our last miscarriage, Allen and I discussed our family plans. We've been pregnant eight times. When they don't make it here in the flesh, when we lose a baby, our lives are turned upside down. The kids' lives are turned upside down. 

And when we get them here, they have some challenges. We've had two NICU babies. All three have had severe reflux and allergies. We spend most of our first year in and out of the hospital, or with the specialist, or with the therapists. Getting our girls here has not been easy for us. Our relationship is always tested to what seems like the limits of our feeble abilities. 

We would consider trying for one more, but that was it. If it stuck, we had our four. If not, we were shutting down shop. My body would not be the vessel. We prayed about it and agreed: One and done. 

A month later, I was pregnant.

My standard cocktail of hormones and medication was immediately started. The anxiety level in our house went through the roof. The tension was thick in the room, and like a vice grip on our hearts.

Pregnancy is like the elephant in the room at our house. We never speak of "the baby" in the first trimester. We literally avoid the words. Of course, there's talk of appointments, how I feel, and what we found at the appointments. But we never utter the word "baby". We don't talk about the due date. We don't plan for the future. And while everything has changed, we try to just pretend nothing has changed at all. We've lost too many to get attached so early. 

Every day is a walk on eggshells waiting for the inevitable. I can say the only saving grace we have is the advent of modern medicine. At 6 weeks, we got an ultrasound. And saw the little heart beating it's rapid beat right away. 

6 weeks 4 days.

Now, we've lost one after seeing that heartbeat so while we felt some encouragement, we were still very hesitant to let it mean anything.

Then, we got another ultrasound at 8 weeks. And that little flicker of life lit the flame of hope in our hearts.

8 weeks 5 days. This one was done by the doctor. They are always the worst!
And yet another at 11 weeks. Again, we saw that little heart just-a-beatin'.  The idea that we might actually get our fourth here to Earth with us once and for all started to settle in our hearts and minds.

We mentioned the future. And started to consider "when the baby comes".

Wanna know the due date? March 2nd. That's Allen's birthday. You may or may not know that 3 of our 4 miscarriages have happened the week of his birthday. Let's just say that his birthday has sucked, a lot, those years. 

And now, a live baby. A life to celebrate along with his. It's a tender mercy that hasn't been lost on us. 

So, back to the baby. 

We're having a baby! 

I'm 16 weeks along. I feel the baby tumbling around in there every day. 

Getting people here is no small feat. You literally move Heaven and Earth. Our road has had some bumps. But I feel good knowing that despite the discouragement and confusion and sadness and anger, we stayed the course. No one will be left behind. 

This is it folks. 

One and done. 


theriddle said...


Liz R. said...

hooray! hooray!

Santana said...

You are an incredible woman! I was never aware of all the hurdles you've faced to get your beauiful family to this point. I will keep you in my prayers. Congratulations!

twinzmama said...

I realize I'm a little behind but congratulations!! No one deserves this more than you, You are such a great mama!!

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What started as a way to communicate with far away friends and family has become a place for this horse trainer/HR manager turned stay at home mom of 3 girls to hold on to a bit of her own identity. It's my take on the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the thoughts and feelings, the mistakes and triumphs of this family as we bumble our way to eternity.