PPD

No, that's not like OPP. It's Post-Partum Depression I'm talking about. It's real. Really, really real. I know because I had a bad case of it after Lexi. I felt hopeless, helpless, frustrated, resentful, guilty, tired, cranky, sad, mad, and lonely. Not for a little while. For a long time. Too long.

I also had a severe case of anxiety. As in I would contemplate changing lanes while driving and have a mild anxiety attack. When was the perfect time to change lanes? What speed? If I timed it just right, I wouldn't need to accelerate or brake. And finally, if successful, would be able to breathe again. I would rehearse over and over and over how I would run the following day. I would try to make sure I had everything exactly right so that nothing could possibly go wrong. I would stay awake for hours contemplating the correct time to wake up, leave for appointments, the way I would get somewhere, when to start dinner, etc. No joke.

After about 5 months of feeling this way, I walked up to Allen and very matter of factly said: "I want a divorce." He looked up from the paper and took stock of the situation, "You do? Ok..." I could see the trepidation on his face. He was wondering if I was really feeling this way or if I was just mental. "Yeah, and you have to keep the baby." And, boy did I mean it.

I called my doctor and the nurse asked me a few questions. She then said: "Have you ever thought about hurting yourself or the baby?" My response: "I'm depressed, not stupid." Her next question: "Have you thought about suicide?" My response: "Well, I've thought about a lot of things and I've realized death is the only way out, but no, I'm not going to commit suicide." Her next response: "You need to go to the mental health emergency clinic at the University Hospital (read: the place for all the real psychos) immediately." Hmmm. Maybe this isn't normal.
Our therapist asked me to describe how I was feeling. "Well, my heart races all of the time. I can't fall asleep ever. I listen all night for the baby to start grunting and moving around as she starts to wake up and then I get really mad at her for waking up. Then, I feel insanely guilty for being mad at my kid. I cry during the night and every time I feed her. I can't sleep when she sleeps because I need to clean the house, do the laundry, clean the stalls, etc. I have no energy." She said to me, "Honey, after 5 months, those aren't normal feelings. This is beyond the baby blues. Can I suggest something for you?"

So, I talked to my OB again and got on some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. It helped, but I never did feel quite myself. I stopped them about a month before I got pregnant with Addie. I was a little worried that I would have the same problem this time around. But, I feel really good. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very tired. I still have moments, and sometime hours, when I wonder "what in the heck have I done?" I still feel like there isn't possibly anyone in the world who is as tired as I am, or as frustrated, or knows exactly what I'm going through. But, those thoughts don't preclude all of my other thoughts. I am able to see that this won't last forever. There are other people who have done this before and are alive (notice I didn't mention that they are well 'cause kids will make you crazy) to tell the tale. I don't resent Addie. She's been a real case and I still feel like waking up (you know, every hour and half right now). I have energy. I can muster a little patience with Lexi. I even feel like exercising. I feel like I'm in control of my feelings and body this time around. What a difference it has made for me through this last month.

When someone tells you they have had PPD, it's real. Listen to them. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Please don't say "it's hormones" and leave it at that. You know, it probably is hormones, but they can seriously screw a person up! I'm so grateful, especially with the extra challenge Addie has been, to be "wakin' up clothed in my right mind" (as Oprah said).