Except if You Marry Me...

Image from Tumblr

So I saw this. And laughed out loud. Maybe this works for most girls. Let me break it down for you (in other words - fill you in on Allen's misery in being my husband and the impossible task of making me happy):

1. Breakfast in bed? Don't even come near me if I'm in bed. With anything.
2. Tell her I love her? Um, yeah. If you've pissed me off, words mean nothing so just stop it right now.
3. Cuddle her randomly? Well, this is the first mistake. I hate being touched. From behind??? That will get you a fist in the face 'cause the only reason someone comes up behind another person is to attack them.
4. Give her flowers? Ok. I'll take this one.
5. Be romantic? I fall into fits of mocking laughter at most efforts of romance. I'm heartless.
6. Tell her she's beautiful? I have a mirror and I hate liars so...no.
7. Take her on dates? Ok. Maybe this one, too. But I hate food dates now because everything out there that is worth eating has 1378476584823837 calories so I can't really enjoy it anyways. Good luck with this one.
8. Snuggle? WRONG.
9. Remember small details? This actually does make me happy. I'll confess.
10. Support and stand up for her? Side with me, sure. But I can take care of myself so, not really.
11. Be kind and sweet when she's on her period? And make yourself a target for my snark? Please. It's every man for himself.
12. Never let her down? It's admirable to try, but I'm gonna chew your ass about something at some point.
13. Spend more time with her than friends? I love to be alone.
14. Never break her heart? What heart?