Riddle Me This...

Preserving Childhood

2012-02-17T12:40:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was watching America's Supernanny. She had been called in to help a family with 10 children. TEN! And, mom was pregnant with twins. To say those parents felt overwhelmed is a complete understatement.

During the observation, among the other behaviors and patterns she noticed was one that really bothered her. The oldest son, 14, was practically raising the baby in the family. He was also trying to herd the other kids, get good grades in school, participate in extracurricular activities, prepare food for the family, do his chores, not to mention figure out who the heck he wants to be in this life.

I found as I watched the events unfold, that I had some pretty strong feelings about the situation.

Now, I'm all for helping out the family. I think chores are mandatory; without allowance as motivation. I think that the older kids should be willing to assist the younger children. If an older child sees a young child struggling, he or she should be eager to help. If mom needs some extra hands for a minute, kids should be happy to lend those hands. I think that teaching children how to care for others is perhaps one of the most important lessons they will learn. And the skills will be absolutely necessary when they are adults and parents themselves.

But, I think it's very easy to take it too far.

The parents made the decision to bring the baby into the world. Sure, they are busy and tired. They feel wrung out. But, the baby is THEIR responsibility. Not the oldest child, or next oldest, or who ever is available to take over.

The parents lived their childhood. I think it's a crime to rob that from an oldest sibling because the parent feels inadequate. The oldest child is in the midst of becoming a PERSON. They are saddled with enough responsibility without having to raise a child they didn't even choose to bear.

I think it creates expectations that no child can ever truly meet. Inevitably, the caregiver will end up feeling like they have let their parents down. No youth is fully equipped mentally and emotionally to properly meet all of the baby or toddler's needs. They physically can't do the things that are necessary to give comprehensive care to a baby. They don't have the coping skills yet, either. And, if by accident, something does go wrong, the older sibling will forever feel guilty. It won't be a matter of consequence because of her poor choice, it will be a consequence because of the parent's poor choice.

Eventually, this type of relationship always seems to breed resentment in the older child. I've never heard someone say, "I helped all. the. time. with my siblings. I took care of them most of the time. I'm really grateful I put aside my own opportunities and time to raise the baby." I have heard, however, a lot of adults who were shouldering more than they should have as kids say, "I never got to be a kid. I raised my brothers and sisters. I never got my time." Siblings should be allowed to be siblings. Just as man and wife shouldn't operate in a parent/child relationship, neither should an older sibling be forced to have a parent/child relationship with a younger sibling.

Childhood is fleeting. And while learning to work as a family unit, serve selflessly, give help willingly, and sacrifice for the good of the group are so important, I think almost nothing is as important as preserving childhood for our kids. They are being asked younger and younger to show adult behavior. They are expected to speak foreign languages, play sports, read music, give service, sit still, listen perfectly, keep their rooms clean, and all manner of other things at age 5 these days.

Those kids don't need to come home and know they are gonna start the second shift. If it's so hard for mom and dad to do the work, imagine how it is for the kid! To help the parents understand the burden their teenage son was feeling, the father donned a backpack and for each responsibility the son had, a 10 pound weight was added to the bag. By the time all of the things the son was trying to accomplish had been added, the father literally fell to the ground. He couldn't carry the weight.

As with all things in life, balance is key. Each family is individual. Each child is individual. Withholding opportunities for children to serve is just as damaging as over burdening a child. Some times, a kid will have to help out more than others. But, I think there is danger is consistently asking a child to do the work that a parent should be doing. The parent shoulders the responsibility of being the primary caregiver. The parent shoulders the responsibility for making the changes necessary to fit it all in and to make it all work. The parent shoulders the responsibility of preserving childhood.

Emily Allergy Update

2012-02-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

Last time we checked in, Emily had tested positive for allergies to dogs and egg whites. She was still displaying possible symptoms of dairy, soy, and gluten allergies also. Her adenoids were constantly inflamed and she was on antibiotics monthly, sometimes twice a month because every time they would get upset, she would get a raging infection. She had also stopped thriving. She had gained ZERO pounds in a year's time.

At the doctor's insistence, in September, we re-homed our two dogs. Davis, who we raised from a puppy, went to live with my Grandpa in Concord. Enzo, who we had just adopted in June, went back to his previous owner/dog trainer. Thankfully, our dogs had safe, loving places to go. Our family was very, very sad about this change, though. There was crying and weeping. And I couldn't sleep. I've had a dog in my bed since I was a kid and it was plain weird not to have one.

Since the eviction of the doggies, Emily has been almost perfectly healthy. She has only had one bout of antibiotics and that was for a sinus infection after a nasty head cold. She used to have a perpetually runny nose. Now, she is dry and clean. And, for the first time in a year, she gained weight. In fact, she gained 3 pounds in 3 months.

And, we started feeding her glutenized foods. We gave her ice cream. We let her eat cake. She had no reaction.

To help confirm her allergy status, we had food patch testing done in December for soy, dairy and gluten. She had no reaction.

So, Ms. Emmy is food allergy free!

Unfortunately for our family, we will likely have to a pet free family for a long time. Her doctor confirmed another fear of mine: she would be even more allergic to horses. That means, if I go ride, I have to change clothes and shower before I can get too close to her. It means that owning a horse would never have worked for our family since Emily wouldn't be able to spend time in the barn and we would never want to divide our family that way. It means, in all likelihood, we would have sold our property in New Mexico and moved to a traditional suburban neighborhood. There's no point in maintaining and sinking money into land and space you don't have any use for. It's meant a big change for me in my personal ideas of recreation and fulfillment since having pets, rescuing animals, and riding and training horses are a big no-no for the next few years at least.

There is a slim chance she'll grow out of her pet allergies, but that is not certain. Plus, I figure, if her allergies were bad enough to weaken her system to the point that she actually ceased thriving, pets are probably not a good idea anyhow.

Emily can and does eat all kinds of foods. We no longer buy two types of pasta, granola bars, cookies, cereal, or bread. We don't live in fear of her stealing a morsel from someone else and getting sick. It's heavenly after the start we had with her and then the extended threat of food allergies we've been living with for the last year.

Yay for Emmy!

Sending Love to the Kindergartners

2012-02-15T09:37:00.000-08:00

Children look forward to the Holidays. Every child loves the idea of treats and candy. And more candy.

Teachers look forward to the extra parental help during the parties.

Most parents love the chance to show how much they love their children by creating the most elaborate display in the class. It's like a contest of cuteness and the winner is the best. parent. ever. (gush).

Parents, like myself, do not look forward to any part of it.

I especially dislike store bought valentine's. They are commercial and fake. Beyond that, they are just plain impractical.

The envelopes don't fit anything more than a single conversation heart in them. I mean, really, who sends ONE measly, chalky heart with a legit Valentine? Do you want your child to be laughed out of the classroom?

Because I'm also cheap and don't want to spend my good money on crappy cardboard to send to kids who are just going to throw it all away, I find myself trying to create simple yet effective substitutes for these types of events.

Enter pink and red candy corns, snack size plastic baggies, striped paper sacks, and some left over ribbon from Christmas.

I used the serving size recommendation to help me know the total amount I would need. Then, I divided it up among the 20 bags and started filling. Each bag has EXACTLY the same amount because I didn't want to hear any "he got more than me" crap.

Corns in plastic. Corns in paper sack.

Lop off the extra from the bags.

Fold over the top, punch two holes, tie ribbon.

Twenty cheap and fast bags filled with the only thing those kids care about: sugar.

February 14, 2012

2012-02-15T08:27:00.000-08:00

Today was the first day that Lexi didn't ask for a hug and kiss before going to class. Instead, she scampered off to join her friends and live her life.

The Lost Pointer Sister

2012-02-14T09:33:00.000-08:00

Christmas "Break"

2012-02-06T23:34:00.000-08:00

As I was going through our pictures, I came across a trip we took during our "christmas break". Each year, Allen takes the entire week off between Christmas and New Year's. Each year, we have hopes and dreams of taking fun day trips with the kids, maybe knocking out a project or two here at the house, and just having a good time.

And each year, without fail, we all get sick, hurt or some miserable combination of the two. This year, Allen woke up Monday morning, took a shower, and nearly killed himself in the process. I'm not quite sure what happened in there, but at 6:something in the morning, I woke up to him hunched over like he'd just had a c-section telling me he was completely crippled. I will admit, at 6 in the morning I wouldn't have cared what the problem was; I was asleep. I openly mocked him and said, "Why are you whining to me about it? Just get back into bed and shut up about it." I am the picture of empathy.

He did get back into bed. For FOUR days.

To top it off, Emily was just getting over the barfing flu, and once she had successfully kicked that super special virus, the kids all ended up with colds that required doses of anti-snot medication several times throughout the day which, of course, morphed into full-blown infections of one sort or another that necessitated antibiotics which, of course, put an end to all sleeping through the night for every person in our household.

Fast forward to Friday, and we are all practically certifiable. Pain or not, snot rags in tow, we were going to go somewhere and do something that wasn't in this house. We loaded up the crew and drove a whole 15 minutes to the Christmas Village/petting zoo (yes, the same one that doubles as the corn maze and pumpkin patch in October).

Emmy was the first to run to the horses. Of course she was.

And the goats.

She just loves those goats.

Lexi does too.

Addie? Not so much. Still petrified.

Not our little Emmy.

Addie finally came to love the goats too.

Allen, though, he's the Goat Whisperer.

Who can resist a pony ride?

Even Addie braved the broncs.

Emmy, Dad (looking so happy to be alive), and Lexi

She is not afraid of anything!

Daredevil!

Everyone got their turn.

Silly girls.

Cheese!

P.S. That Saturday night, I threw my back out. In the shower.

P.P.S. I'm dead serious. It was humiliating. I couldn't stand up straight for 2 days. And, no, Allen wasn't the jerk to me I had been to him.

Life Lessons

2012-02-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

In the Riddle house, we try to be creative with our punishments, er persuasions. One way we try to encourage Lexi to head to bed on time is the threaten her with "mommy and daddy shows" if she chooses to stay up. This means no Dora, no Backyardagains, no kid shows. She gets the news, ESPN or some other extremely boring programming to help convince her that she's missing nothing by going to bed.

Last night, we happened to be watching a cake baking competition. During commercial breaks, the channel would air promos for it's upcoming, new shows. One of them highlights people who have weird obsessions and fetishes.

One guy is in an intimate relationship with his car. We get to see him washing, rubbing and even french kissing his car.

Another is a woman who drinks nail polish.

The other eats cat treats.

As this commercial is coming to a close, I look to Lexi and say in my most stern voice, "Don't you ever do that stuff. Ever."

She looks at me, horrified, "MOM! They are not using those things in the right way! Why are they doing that!!!?!!"

So I told her: "Lexi, they are crazy. You will see a lot more crazy people on TV than normal people."

The lesson is so true: There are a lot more crazy people featured in the media than sane people.

I hope Lexi can remember this as she is bombarded with images and sayings of the world. I hope she will remember that those chosen to represent the masses are many times the minority. Media is the absolutely WRONG place to turn for guidance about what is right in this world.

Flashy they may not be, but the gospel living, good people doing the right, and often seemingly boring, thing day after day are who we should turn to help guide us on our way.

For the Aunt and Nana

2012-01-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

Saturday Mornings 2012

2012-01-29T21:29:00.001-08:00

Why Not the Cross?

2012-01-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

There is not a cross to be found inside a Mormon church. This might seem strange considering that the cross is a worldwide symbol of Christ and we are a Christian church.

We absolutely believe in the resurrected Christ. We know he suffered in Gethsemane for our sins. We know he was crucified. We know he rose again. We know he lives.

So why not the cross?

In the time of Christ's mortal ministry, crucifixion was a very common method of coporal punishment. Like hanging was in early American history. Many a man left the earth nailed to wood in front of his peers in that day. We know of at least two that were hanging on either side of the Savior at the very same time on the very same day.

Although the manner in which he was persecuted and killed was gruesome, it's not what separated him from the other men who were hung up upon the crosses at that time.

What separates Christ is that he rose again.

As a church, we don't focus on the symbol of the cross as a representation of Christ. We see Christ as a literal, living being. And therein lies the miracle, that he lives.

The lack of a cross on or in our building, upon our chests or on our clothing isn't a sign of disrespect. Rather, for us as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it is our way of looking toward the hope Christ provides. That we, too, will be resurrected. That we can overcome this world. That we can live with him again.

Oh My Goodness! Oh My Goodness!

2012-01-19T09:18:00.000-08:00

You guys may not know this, but I come from a "show business" family. My grandpa was an actor in Hollywood before he settled down for family life. My mom is a gifted singer who's acted in quite a few stage performances. My dad owned and operated a night-club in San Francisco called the On Broadway Theater. My sister did improv in college.

Me? I rode horses. I played sports. I did school. I worked in Human Resources.

I was kind of the odd-man-out.

My mom sang a lot at our church while I was growing up. I would show an interest and she and my grandpa would spend hours working with me for the performance.

Game day would come. Mom and I would step up to sing. She would open her mouth and the sound of angels would fill the chapel.

I would break into a cold sweat, start crying and run. Literally, run out of church while mom finished her (now) solo piece.

I have TERRIBLE stage fright.

So, a few months ago, my sister-in-law mentioned that the local theater would be doing a production of Annie. She suggested her daughter and Lexi might like to try out for the roles of orphans.

When audition time rolled around, we got down to business. We sang "Tomorrow" all day, every day. We sang in the car. In the shower. At the table. Lexi was ready.

And then, the musical director suggested I audition.

Bahahahahaha!

Um. Hell no.

She explained that unless the parent of the child were to audition, the child would have to audition on their own. In a big room, under bright lights, in front of complete strangers. ALL. ALONE.

"Plus", she explained, "They could always use bodies for chorus numbers."

I thought about it. And I quickly dismissed the idea. Lexi has no stage fright. Not an ounce. She wouldn't need me.

And then. My friend (talented, gifted composer and pianist) called me on the morning of auditions.

"So, are you going to audition?"

"Um. No."

"Yes you are."

"No."

"Yes. Get over here. You're singing."

"Fine. But I'm not getting dressed. Or brushing my hair. I will brush my teeth though."

"Fine. I'm not putting a bra on."

"Good."

"Great."

She played; I sang.

That night we all showed up to auditions. The kids sang. WE sang.

And we got called back.

Now, this simple plot to get our little ones involved in the arts morphed into this all-consuming spectacle.

So, we practiced some more. And we conspired about outfits and tone and parts.

What are they looking for? What are you doing to prepare? Have you heard anything? Did you sleep last night?

We went to call backs. And we sang. And we read lines. We laughed and cheered each other on.

We then waited the longest 24 hours of our lives. We admittedly filled our day with mindless tasks and continual milling while we waited for the official cast list.

Finally. FINALLY! The precious list arrived.

Lexi was cast as a chorus orphan. Yay, Lexi.

I was cast as Grace.

You know, Mr. Warbucks personal assistant. Like, a fairly substantial role.

Exactly. At least they can adapt the role for my non-dancing self.

Totally unexpected.

I'm shocked. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm excited.

I've never acted. Or danced. I sure hope I don't let down the entire cast, crew and director.

I think this'll get me over the whole stage fright thing, though.

Fashion Lab: Belts

2012-01-13T14:03:00.000-08:00

In my mind:

In reality:

Guess Who's a Sunbeam?

2012-01-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

Turning three as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a big deal! That's when you get to leave behind the babies in nursery and go to Primary with all of the big kids.

Addie earned this right of passage since she turned 3 in December. She has always loathed nursery and would often come with me to class rather than go in with the other babies. She was very excited to be a Sunbeam and "not yell, fight or cry!"

Her teacher said she was great in class on her first day.

We are so happy for Addie and that she enjoys going to church now!

Christmas at Our House

2012-01-10T21:30:00.000-08:00

This post can't be getting old; we've lived in three different houses in the last three years!

So our house has this weird window thingy in the family room that is good for almost nothing. Nothing but staging a Christmas Village.

We didn't put the presents under the tree until the 23. We knew that Miss Emily would not be able to resist that fun, crinkly paper all month long.

The Vincent men came over on Christmas Eve. I made the traditional meal of ham, potatoes, and all the fixings. We had a great time hanging out with each other. The kids loved seeing Grandpa Tweet; they run to him, grab his legs and climb up into his lap to lavish him with attention. Of course, they absolutely loved all of the fun presents they got, too.

Christmas Morning: Santa did not disappoint.

He even brought the American Girl doll that Lexi had said she'd go without since they are a rather significant investment.

I'm not sure if that excitement is about the present or the bubble wrap holding the present.

The entire time she was looking at this toy she was making a pig noise.

Grandma and Papa came by to enjoy the pandemonium.

The 'Livia-pig jumpy ball.

As the kids get older, teaching them the reason behind the Christmas traditions we hold gets easier and easier. At the same time, their interest in the things associated with commercial Christmas also increases. I'm sure as time wears on, we'll see by our kids' behavior, where we truly kept our focus.

We love singing Christmas songs and acting out the story of Jesus' birth using our kid-safe manger decorations. The season affords us an excuse to see our friends and family. Traditions are made, kept and molded as our families grow and develop. These photos will help us remember the details of these days as the exact gifts exchanged and meals eaten will be long forgotten. But what will leave an indelible mark upon us will be the feelings we have as we gather, laugh, share and give each year to celebrate family and our Savior.

We had a very blessed Holiday and hope you all did too.

A Child's Prayer

2012-01-10T09:20:00.000-08:00

{The family kneeling in the family room for nightly prayer.}

Allen {the patriarch voice}: Addie, will you say the prayer?

Addie {resolutely}: Yes. I will.

Addie {sincerely}: Dear Heavenly Father, please bless me to not go pee pee in my pull up. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Fashion Lab: Shapewear

2012-01-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

There was an article in the January '12 issue of O magazine about common body flaws and how to use fashion to fix them.

Problem: Turkey Neck

Solution: Scarf

Problem: Muffin Top

Solution: High waisted shapewear

Problem: Pooch

Solution: Briefs with panels

Problem: Armpit Fat

Solution: Bra with side slimming panels

Problem: Bat Wings

Solution: Ch'arms

Problem: Mom Butt

Solution: Butt padding

Problem: Chub Rub

Solution: Thigh shapewar

Problem: Cankles

Solution: Nude heels

Problem: Back Fat

Solution: Bra with smoothing panels

Problem: Double Boobs

Solution: Full coverage bra

Which got me to thinking: if I'm the problem, what is the solution?

Problem: Me

Solution

Addie

2012-01-05T21:43:00.000-08:00

What is Addison like at 3 years old?

She is affectionate and enthusiastic. She is athletic and driven. She is independent. Her imagination is growing by leaps and bounds.

She is our most sensitive child. Despite her furrowed brow, Addie is very rarely angry. Addie gets hurt. She is still learning to articulate her feelings and crumbles to tears if she is frustrated or upset.

Addie is trying to make her own way in our family. While Lexi wants to shape and mold her, Addie sometimes rejects these notions and eventually erupts with a "NOOOOO, Lex!". Other times, she willingly goes along with the whims of her older sister.

At present, her relationship with her younger sibling is far more complex. They are together almost endlessly. They are neck and neck in many ways, including the desire to play with the same toys. At the same time. All of the time. And neither Addie or Emily remembers to use words as turf battles ensue.

In the same token, Addie is a doting older sister. She comforts Emmy. She encourages Emmy. She nurtures her and always wants to include her.

To say Addie is smart is an understatement. She is savvy. Addie is complex in her humor but still embodies the innocence of the toddler.

Addie is so easy to be around. She plays contently for hours. She sleeps like a champ. She travels for hours without complaint. She will sit through a movie. She is reverent at church and willingly obedient.

But, when she isn't agreeable, everyone knows about it. There's no guessing about what she's feeling. When she's tired, she has zero patience. She cries at every suggestion.

She also manipulates her Dad. Oh man, does she have his number.

Addie is great at giving hugs. She spontaneously says, "I love you, Mom" several times a day. But she doesn't just give it away. Addie is guarded with her affections until she feels comfortable with a person. Once you've earned her acceptance, she's very generous, but you've got to earn it.

She's adept at cutting, coloring, and her fine motor skills. She is learning the alphabet, but doesn't have it down pat yet. She is very good at puzzles. She loves pretend play. And sports. She's been riding her scooter for over a year and now rides her bike anywhere she wants to go too. She almost never falls down. She can dribble a soccer ball across the field. She has a heck of an overhand throw. Oh, and she's left handed.

She's your normal toddler going on preschooler in many ways. She challenges our patience. She talks too loud. She wiggles. She cries at silly things. She's surviving on, like, five different types of food and isn't even considering trying something new. She's stubborn about random and inconsequential things.

But she's so much more than that to our family. She binds her sisters together and bridges their developmental gaps. She heals the heart with her comfort. She is undeniably sweet and demure behind that scowl. I've had many people I know whisper "she's my favorite" with a wink. Of course, she's no more or less loved than her sisters, but boy does she have charm. Such charm.

Three years have gone by so fast for us with Addie. It really does feel like she was just this happy little baby yesterday. We just love our Addison so much and feel so blessed to have her in our family.

Zoo Lights

2012-01-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

The Oakland Zoo decorates each Christmas season with millions of lights. This was our first trip to see the attraction.

Bundled up nice and warm.

The animals were literally sleeping.

Some parts of the zoo were closed off, but the kids play area was open. Allen got caught in the spider's web.

Emmy and Grandpa Bob. Notice the missing shoe. Didn't slow her down one bit.

Exactly.

There was a light show timed to music in the meadow.

Poor wayfaring girl of grief. Someone's getting tired.

Not Addie!

Love.

Year In Review

2012-01-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

My favorite posts from each month of 2011:

(hint: click on the title)

Just Checking

Bed Checks

Happy, Happy Birthday!

How to Say Goodbye

I Looked In the Mirror

I Miss This

Like Waterboarding

2012-01-04T13:39:00.000-08:00

Only more torturous.

I'm talking about living through the month of December AND sticking to my healthy eating plan. It was a test of willpower like no other.

I think it's akin to taking a recovering alcoholic to the bar every night and expecting him to say no as you offer him a drink over and over and over again.

Plus, I love to cook and bake. The Holidays are a great excuse to make lots of yummy treats that are only available once a year. I didn't want my family to go without our traditions because of my past mistakes. I did not refrain from making those family favorites. I did not nibble, lick, bite, or taste them in the process though.

But it was so, so, so, so hard. My mouth literally watered at times. My resolve became much more than just an emotional component of my being. It was like a physical entity and I could feel it becoming weak and start to crack as the month wore on.

I had moments of exhaustion. I was physically drained by the constant battle waging within. The cravings and old habits would creep up in my mind, trying to entice me to give in just the once. I felt mental fatigue as I said No. No. No. No. NOOOOO!

I was engaged in a war. A war with years of habit. A war with real, physical responses to food. A war with myself about how I'd ended up here. The guilt and disgust of a thousand bad choices came bubbling to the surface like a backed up drain.

In all honestly, simply lusting after all of that sugary, savory and oh-so delicious food felt like I'd cheated all month long. Then, to my own surprise, I hit 55 lbs. lost the week of Christmas.

I knew that there would be a few "free" days for me in the month and I planned accordingly. I was true to my commitment and I didn't cheat. I made extremely healthy choices to help balance the holiday fare I knew I would be enjoying at certain times.

The entire experience is almost surreal. Saying no and choosing health over and over and over again was such a struggle for me, I feel like I've almost wiped it from my memory. Like childbirth. So hard. So awful. It nearly rips you in two. But the reward is so great you know you'll do it again.

That may seem dramatic, but for me, it was that intense. I am so extremely satisfied with how I coped with the temptation. I know I am the boss of my mind and body. I am not a pawn to be controlled by my cravings.

This is what losing 55 lbs. looks like for me:

Lexi and me: end of May

Super awesome picture, huh?

Only 20 more to go!

Excellent.

2012-01-04T08:14:00.000-08:00

Lexi earned an Academic Excellence award at school in December. Her teacher can only choose one child each semester for this particular award. We were so proud of Lexi and all the hard work she has done at school this year.

The principal, Mrs. Moffett, handed out the awards.

Lexi's teacher, Mrs. Finton, Lexi and Mrs. Moffett

Showing off her prized medal.

In all her glory.

Great job, Lexi!

Addie's Fee!

2012-01-03T22:31:00.000-08:00

And by that she means three.

We had a birthday party here at the house to celebrate our Addison.

Addie had a Tinker Bell themed party. My grandpa's neighbor, Aunt JuJu, is a custom cake maker. She volunteered to make this Pixie Hollow cake for us. So much time and love went into this; Grandpa even got to help. The kids were enthralled!

Our activity was cupcake making. Addie helped with the "prep" work.

Emmy wasn't far off to lend her own version of help, too.

Lexi made a sign for Addie and helped decorate the special birthday girl chair.

The first of our honored guests: Grandpa Bob.

Cousins Ben and Hannah were ready to make cupcakes.

I think Addie approved.

I know Bree did!

Getting to the good stuff: presents!

Grandma and Addie with one of her many great gifts.

Happy Birthday Addie!

Looking at Christmas Lights

2012-01-02T18:55:00.000-08:00

And I use the term "look" very loosely here.

2011-12-19T00:26:00.001-08:00

We will return to our regularly scheduled programming after the Holiday Season.

Merry Christmas!

Anatomy

2011-12-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

Lexi {excited pride}: Look what I made, Mom!

Me {automated excitement}: Wow Lex! {shutting down out-right laughter after having actually looked at the completed masterpiece}

Lexi {excited pride laced with educational emphasis}: It's a girl. You wanna know how you can tell?

Me {mouth agape}: ~~By her bright red nipples and striped girly parts?~~ I dunno, how Lex?

Lexi {accomplished pride}: By all the curls on her head? See her curly hair? She's a girl!

Me {to Allen}: It's like the poor thing needs a bikini or something.

Ponder This

2011-12-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

When we make mistakes, the Savior doesn't say, "Go to your room."

He says, "Come unto me."

- Dr. Lynn Scoresby

Keep Your Eye On the Cow

2011-12-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

First, you gotta watch the video. It's less than minute long. No, seriously. You've got to watch.

Really. Do it.

Now that you've watched the video, let's move on.

I worked for a cutting horse trainer back in my single days. I actually got to ride horses that moved like the one you saw in the video above. Isn't he amazing? Did you see him hit is butt as he stopped to get back to that cow? Did you see him rattle before he moved off to follow the cow? Yeah, buddy that's good stuff.

But I really want to talk about the rider. If you have to, watch it again. Did you notice that guys seat? It was pretty much planted in the saddle. Did you notice his hands? Down low with loose reins. In fact, picking up your reins in cutting is a penalty. He's not pulling or pushing that horse with his hands at all. That means, he's almost a total passenger, except for a bump with the leg if necessary. How, then, does he know where that horse is moving to next?

The rider watches the cow's eyes. If you have to, watch the video again. It's like a stare down with the cow. If you keep your eye on the cow, you'll stay in the saddle. If you take your eye off of the cow, you'll be "checking the quality of the ground".

The cow always looks to where he's headed before he moves his feet. His eyes reveal exactly what he's planning on doing next. He looks where he's going, his nose points, and his feet follow.

Horses are the same. The feet follow the nose.

People are the same, too.

We are, after all, but animals too. Where the eyes are focused, so will be all the effort. With people, it's a little more complex though as we also have a moral capacity attached to that focus: "for where your ^atreasure is, there will your heart be also" (Luke 12:34) .

We always reveal our next step in life through our eyes. Keeping focused on any one thing will always result in your actions leading toward that thing. If the eyes are set on the material things of the world, so will be the heart. If the eyes are set on spiritual goals, so will the heart also be set on those treasures.

From Doctrine & Covenants 88:67:

And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.

One who sees the "bigger" picture and lives for the realization of that picture, has a measured stride that carries her toward her goals. There is no frantic scrambling of self. There is no desire to placate herself with worldly goods. Rather, there is a sense of purpose and fulfillment that cannot be matched.

The understanding of true principles (light and knowledge) brings peace to our hearts, minds, and souls. The ability to comprehend all things is perhaps one of the richest blessings a mortal being could receive. To know the meaning of life, the purpose of struggle, the reality of God, and the promise of eternal life just skims the surface of what that means for us. Think of the depth of wisdom that could be garnered if this blessing is to be fulfilled.

If we keep our eyes, and thus hearts, set on the work of the Lord we can have that blessing as promised in the scripture above. If we keep our eyes set on serving, loving, spreading the gospel, testifying, forgiving, and all of the other works Heavenly Father is counting on us to do, we can understand all we need (and want!) about this life and the next.

Fashion Lab: Skinny Jeans

2011-12-01T12:56:00.000-08:00

In your mind:

In Reality:

Tea Time

2011-11-30T15:43:00.000-08:00

The girls and I went to the Teddy Bear Tea fundraiser again this year. Lexi was so excited to go back and show Addie what it's all about.

We sat with our cousins this year which made the time so much fun.

Addie working hard on her letter to Santa.

Something's caught their attention hasn't it? (Aubree's so excited she's got the "rock on" fist pumpin'.)

The man of the hour.

Aubree with Grammy Cathie.

Dani enjoying the candy cane.

Addie with Grandma Riddle.

Hannah and Lexi enjoying the Nutcracker ballet.

All In the Family

2011-11-26T20:04:00.000-08:00

Grandpa Bob as a toddler. (My dad.)

Addison as a toddler.

Your Nerd Is Showing

2011-11-22T19:30:00.000-08:00

Doing dishes in the kitchen after dinner.

My mom {doubled over laughing}: Your life would be so boring without a mom like me! What would you do without me?

Me {deadpan sarcasm}: I don't know. I'd be a fraction of the person I am.

Allen {normal voice}: 22 over 7.

Beating the Beast

2011-11-18T15:17:00.000-08:00

My mouth watering, I ran toward the sink.

I can make it, I thought.

I have to make it.

It was the second time that day.

I'd made it the time before. I could do it again.

I got to the sink and thrust the faucet handle up as fast as I could.

The water came gushing out and filled the bowl in seconds.

I grabbed for the dish soap and gave the bottle a hard squeeze.

Relief washed over me.

I'd done it.

I'd made two different desserts.

And I hadn't eaten any part of them.

I'd taken the bowl with the gooey, rich, decadent batter, and before I could succumb to the consuming desire to openly lick the contents therein, filled it with water and soap preventing myself from giving in.

Giving up.

I had made a commitment to myself and I kept it.

I beat the beast.

16 weeks

2011-11-18T09:18:00.000-08:00

The amount of time it takes to lose

50 lbs!

Me

2011-11-16T00:39:00.000-08:00

What is your greatest accomplishment?

Living the gospel daily.

What drives you every day?

My desire to be the person Heavenly Father needs me to be.

Where do you like to vacation?

Where can I be alone?

Who do you admire?

Those who have a grasp on what is truly important.

What is your mission?

That is the million dollar question. Any suggestions?

What trait in others are you attracted to?

A wicked sense of humor.

What is the kindest thing anyone has done for you?

Love me.

How do you want to be remembered?

In a way that brings a smile to the face.

You have a 10 minute speech to give at a high school, what is it

about?

Myself. What else does any high schooler talk about?

What is most memorable about your high school years?

I had fun.

What would you do if you had a million dollars?

Spend it.

Are you a spender or a saver?

See above.

Would you rather be good looking or rich?

Clearly I have chosen to be good looking.

Would you like to know the day you’re going to die ahead

of time?

I would not, but I want to live as though I know. Living that way keeps things in focus.

Would you rather have super strength or super

intelligence?

I have both. Duh.

Would you rather spend the rest of your life without a

significant other, or would you rather have a partner who is

extremely difficult?

Clearly, I'd rather do the latter.

Would you rather spend life in prison or be executed?

Puh-lease. Kill me now.

Letter H: Homework

2011-11-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

This and That

2011-11-09T14:03:00.000-08:00

I've got lots of thoughts and feelings to share, none of them substantial enough to justify an entire post. And, I'm not going to bother everyone on Facebook with them all either. Plus, when I don't blog, I don't sleep and I do love me some sleep.

- They say that the top three ways to stress a marriage are to 1) change/start a new job, 2) move or 3) have a child. In the last 18 months, we have had a child, started a new job and moved twice.

- Our house in New Mexico hasn't sold yet. We've put in all new flooring and dropped the price. Lots of traffic and good feedback, but no takers. We expected this, but having two mortgages weighs heavily on a person's mind.

- I've had a few moments of strength I should remember: saying no to Halloween candy (except for one night when I gave myself permission to eat a certain amount and stuck with that commitment), saying no to McDonalds when I allowed the kids to have a treat - not even a lick or taste, keeping soda intake to 1 can a week, and not eating those darn cupcakes I made (I actually threw the extra away to stop it from going into my mouth).

- Today when I looked in the mirror, the thought that entered my brain was "Ugh. You are still so fat."In May, I bought sweats. Size XXL. Last week, I bought sweats from the same place. Size L. And they are baggy. I almost shook myself. That type of thinking is so self destructive.

- I've been missing my Grandpa George a lot lately. He's been on my mind almost constantly. I wish my kids had known him better. I feel like having him in my life shaped me in so many good ways; I am sad for them to grow up without him.

- I teach the 8 year olds in church on Sundays. I spend 2 hours with them. They are dynamic and smart and polite and wonderful. Every week it pains me to dig deep enough to be all that they deserve from a teacher. I still struggle to be the person who naturally enjoys the younger crowd. (I think this topic may be a post of it's own later, but I'm still trying to understand it all myself.)

- I am the assistant leader for Lexi's girl scout group. I swore I would never make her do GS. I was in GS for a long time. I don't remember ever liking it. I didn't resonate with the girls. I didn't enjoy the crafts and projects. I thought the singing was lame. And I thought most of the women leaders (except for my own leader who was - and is - the most patient and kind woman around), were obnoxious and catty. Being back in, even as an adult, makes me feel all of those things all over again. And, I really don't feel much joy helping the kids. And, I'm convinced that a requirement of being a leader is to own a pair of mom jeans and an ill fitting hooded sweatshirt. I know, I'm an evil, awful person.

- I'm struggling being at home with my kids. I feel like my patience has gone on an extended vacay and I'm on my own. It's mostly been since we moved. I know it's due, in large part, to my own selfishness. I'm wanting to get organized, and settled, and function and my kids want a mom. I know the more important part. I still struggle. We've spent lots of time in family prayer, and me in personal prayer, to try and stay focused on the things that matter most.

- I'm growing my hair out. Why does this seem to take so flippin' long? Ugh. I will not cut it all off. I will not cut it all off. I will not cut it all off.

- The End.

Fail

2011-11-08T08:27:00.000-08:00

This Is The Way We Go To School

2011-11-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

Addie rides her bike.

Lexi holds hands with her classmate who is also our next door neighbor. They walk ahead 'cause, you know, they are big and stuff.

Yes, she has her own backpack and rides in her galoshes.

All is right with the world.

2011-11-06T22:18:00.001-08:00

2011-11-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

Her first ice cream cone.

It didn't take long for her to catch on.

Lexi sneaking a cuddle.

Happy.

Screw Who?

2011-11-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks for contacting us. An operator will be with you shortly...

[Kerri] Hi, how may I help you today? :-)

[Visitor] I'm ordering a replacement false bottom for my oven. I see it has screw holes. Can you tell me what type of screw I'm gonna need to install the part?

[Kerri] In order to search for the correct part, please provide to me the complete model # directly from the appliance data tag.[Kerri] Click Here to Locate Your Model Number

[Visitor] JT912SF3SS is the model number for the oven. The part number is WB63T10034.

[Kerri] One moment please, I am researching this information for you.

[Visitor] thanks

[Kerri] no problem

[Kerri] click here to view diagram[

Kerri] do you see the part you need above?

[Visitor] number 210 from the diagram. i will say the shape in the middle of the bottom isn't an oval on your website though. do you know if that is an issue?

[Kerri] One moment please, I am researching this information for you.

[Kerri]

Stove / Oven / Range False Bottom - WB63T10034

~~$56.50~~ $44.79

[Visitor] That's the part.

[Kerri] I hope you enjoyed your experience. If you have time, please visit our Bizrateor Facebook page to let other online shoppers know how we’re doing! If you thought I did an exceptional job assisting you, please mention me in your review. Your feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks and have a great day!

[Visitor] I already have the part! I need to know about the screws so I can install it. Can you help me with that information?

The Great Pumpkin

2011-11-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

Addie, Emmy and I made the trip to the local pumpkin patch with Grandma Riddle.

Emmy had a really rough night and was not her usual happy self. In fact, I don't think she smiled once the whole time.

Grandma and Emmy.

Emily is such an animal lover. Figures she would have allergies to them.

Addie? Not so much.

Emmy vs. The Chicken

Addie still hanging on for dear life.

Addie and Emmy

Emily loves, loves, loves horses. Unfortunately, her maiden voyage didn't end so well. Her hard had slipped off, hit the horse in the butt, and the mare jumped forward and crow hopped. Thank goodness the horse handler guy and I were right there to grab Emmy. They offered to let her go again on a different mount, but she said no thank you.

Much to our surprise, Addie was super excited to ride. She did not get dumped.

Me and Addie with our haul.

What They Don't Tell You...

2011-11-02T00:53:00.000-07:00

Is that when you have kids, the mom guilt will be bad enough to paralyze you some days.

Let me illustrate:

Today, Lexi had a minimum day. That means she starts school at 9:45 a.m. rather than the usual 11 a.m. Today, I was feeling particularly yucky and wasn't moving too quickly. We had breakfast, got dressed, and still had a few extra minutes before we needed to go. So, I asked the girls if they would be ok with me taking a lightening fast shower while they played (this would be day 2 with no shower my friends - don't judge - you know you've been there). They said yes. I stuck to my promise and was done in a flash (ha! pun fully intended).

As organizing a group of young children tends to go, we ended up totally eating up our free time trying to get ourselves ready to leave. As we were donning backpacks and running out of doors, I realized I had forgotten to make Lexi a lunch. I told her she would get to buy lunch today and she said that would be great. She asked what they were serving and I didn't know, but they tend to have multiple options so we decided she'd be able to find something that would work.

Fast forward to 1 p.m., well after her normal lunch hour and it's time to pick her up from school. On the way home, I have the thought: you better ask her about lunch. So, I did. They had tacos. She tried one bite, but didn't like it. The rule in our house is you must try one bite and even though she wasn't being supervised by mom or dad, she adhered to the rule. And, she didn't like it. They also served broccoli. She loves broccoli. Surely, she's had something to eat, right? Well, the broccoli was cold.

What did she eat for lunch? Milk. MILK.

Can I tell you how overcome with guilt I was at this discovery? Had I not taken the shower, I would have had time to make her a good lunch that she would have enjoyed. She wouldn't have had to watch the other children eating their yummy lunches while she had a yucky taco and cold broccoli. My poor little Lexi would have had something besides MILK to fuel her little body while she was working hard at school.

Of course, I made her a lunch as soon as we walked in the door. She was happy and seemingly no worse for the wear.

Me? Well, I've been beating myself up about it all day. That is the gift of mom guilt. It's the gift that keeps on giving (even when your children have totally forgotten or didn't even notice in the first place.)

An Actual Conversation

2011-10-30T00:09:00.000-07:00

Allen {appearing irritated, making lunch}.

Me {across room, silently ~~judging~~ observing the process}.

Allen {picking at sandwich roll}.

Me {knowing the rolls were on their way out}: Are those moldy?

Allen {"get-off-me" look with snarky inflection}: There's no other bread out. I'll just pick this off.

Me {disgusted}: DUDE! There are plenty of rolls in the freezer. Just defrost one and you won't have to eat moldy bread. Ugh.

Allen {now legitimately grumpy}: I don't like the way defrosted bread tastes.

Trunk or Treat

2011-10-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

Our new ward held it's trunk or treat festivities tonight.

Both girls chose to be witches this year.

Addie kept doing this "evil witch" HA! HA! HA! to every passerby. She was also on a mission to get her candy tonight and held her ground among the big kids. She caused a few laughs with her determination.

Emmy was a little under the weather today and we even contemplated keeping her home. She perked up enough to join in the fun, but didn't don her costume. You'll have to tune in after All Hallows Eve to see her all dressed up.

Emmy checking out the scene.

The costume parade. Lexi won an award!

As with any great family outing, this one was total chaos and pandemonium. But so much fun.

For the Aunt and Grandmas

2011-10-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

Spoooky

2011-10-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

And lastly, the ghouls.

Casa

2011-10-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

Dear porch, how do I love thee?

The welcoming committee. Living room is on the right with dining room closest to the kitchen.

View from the living room looking toward stairs and hallway.

Looking from the kitchen into the dining and living rooms.

Hall. Closet and one (of 4) bathroom.

Kitchen.

Looking into the family room. The other room off to the left is a bedroom with full bath. We're gonna use it as a playroom while the kids need one.

My favorite part. Built in Bosch gas range. Convection oven to boot. Every one's invited to dinner.

Family room.

Laundry room.

Other side of laundry room.

Second downstairs bath. This is the one for the playroom.

Three car tandem garage. Hello workshop for Allen.

The backyard. So, for the next 6 months or something, our blog will (once again) be exclusively about the yard.

Going upstairs. Aren't you glad I'm here to be your tour guide. I bet you were wondering where we were headed.

Looking down on the living room from the stairs.

Bedroom at the top of the stairs.

Same bedroom. There are a total of 6. No, we will not have enough kids to fill them all. But you can come and visit anytime you want.

Upstairs hall bath.

Hall desk.

View from the master down the hall.

Master bath. His and her closets at either end.

Three guesses as to what this is.

Too bad I hate baths. Nice to look at though.

Oh, the vanity!

My room with a view.

Casa de Riddle.

Sweet Lexi

2011-10-12T22:59:00.000-07:00

I grew up - literally, starting at age 3 - watching horror movies with my Dad. When I would ask him why something happened, he would say "Because the director wanted it that way." I always knew it wasn't real. I never had nightmares about any of it. But I did love the suspense that builds up as the creepy music takes over and you know what is coming, but do you dare look?!?

With Halloween upon us, I'm eager to embrace the entire spectacle. This is, by far, my most favorite Holiday. I look forward to a whole month of scary movies on television. I love the twist of reality. I love the creativity of the entire season. And, I do love to be scared.

My dad came to town tonight to watch Lexi's game. We then made our way to the local Halloween store; we had been planning on going for weeks. We were totally in our element. Little Addie was giggling at the animated ghosts and ghouls.

My sweet Lexi, however, she was not in her element. She is a sensitive spirit. She takes every conversation to heart. Processess scenarios over and over. Worries endlessly about things little girls shouldn't worry about.

Lexi had begged to come to the store. She was so excited to help me get ready for the season. But, as soon as we went to the darkest and scariest part of the store, she was overcome with fear. She started crying and wanted to leave.

She was frightened. That is a feeling I very rarely identify with so it is a foreign concept for me to cover. We all showed Lexi that every scary being in the store was not real. That everything was just pretend. That it was moving because it was mechanical, not alive. Even Addie tried to console her older sister with kids words and hugs.

As we got into the car, Lexi said, "I'm sorry, mom. I was trying to be brave."

On the way home, I told Lexi this:

"It's ok to be afraid. You are a special girl who knows what feels right and wrong. That is a gift from your Father in Heaven. To know already what is good in this life is something you should never be sorry about. Never ignore that feeling. If you ever feel like what is going on around you isn't good, you leave that place. You never feel bad for trusting this feeling inside."

I then assured her that if any of our decorations made her feel yucky, we wouldn't put them out. We are going to decorate together and she gets the final word.

I'm so grateful for this sweet little girl who is already very aware of her internal barometer. I'm so grateful she is already paying attention to the subtle feelings she is getting to help guide her to the things that are good and worth while in this life. She is truly special. I will happily foster her desire to be around uplifting material even if it means having the least scary house in the block.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

2011-10-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

Lexi {convincingly}: C'mon Addie. Just jump off the couch like this onto your knees...

Addie: no.

Lexi {with more conviction}: you just do it like this...

Addie: no.

Me {teaching voice}: Lexi, she's already said no. When someone says no, say ok. Don't try to make someone do something they aren't comfortable doing.

A few minutes pass.

Lexi {peer pressure voice}: So you just do it like this...

Me {irritation rising}: Lexi! She said NO. Leave her alone.

Lexi {defiantly but trying to garner sympathy}: I just don't know what NO means.

Me {totally irritated}: Well, how 'bout I spank you until you do?

Lexi: No.

Me {eyebrow raised}: Aaaah. You do understand what NO means.

Lexi {silence}.

Me {internal high five}.

Moral and Behavioral Education

2011-10-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

One fine spring day, a young father was working in his front yard while his toddler daughter played nearby. He glanced up to make sure she was still close, but he couldn't see her. He walked out into the street, calling her name. She came running around the corner back toward home.

With both relief and frustration, he scolded, "You can play in the yard, but you can't go past the corner!"

And he went back to work while she went back to play.

Minutes later, he looked up again to check on his girl. She was gone.

Calling her name, anger rising into this chest, he saw her coming full tilt around that same corner.

"I told you: not past the corner! If you don't listen to me, I'm going to spank your bum!"

She looked up at him with apparent understanding and scampered off to play.

He continued working hard, trying to catch up on the work that he hadn't been able to get to in the last weeks.

As he wrapped up his chores, he remembered to check for his toddler again.

Once again, she wasn't anywhere to be found.

This time, he yelled her name and made his way with determination toward that corner.

Of course, she came running around, eager to see her daddy.

He reached down, turned her around and said, "I told you NOT PAST THE CORNER!" He followed through with the threat he had made and spanked her bottom.

She looked up at him, tears in her eyes and asked, "Daddy, what is a corner?"

Allen's aunt relayed this story to me as we were discussing our parenting techniques. Her children are all grown and she now enjoys her grandchildren. She is a no-nonsense type woman, but has the hard won wisdom of a grand mom.

As adults, we make the gross assumption that our children understand the language we are using when we address them. We assume that they are getting the definition of words through the context in which we use them.

If they can identify a juice cup, why not another idea? Well, a juice cup is a tangible item. They can feel it. They hold it and know exactly what it does for them.

Behavioral descriptions and moral choices are not so clear. These are sometimes abstract ideas that are not as clear to identify.

For example, if you tell your child "Stop being a brat", you aren't really telling them what behavior is wrong and how to correct that behavior. Do they know what being a brat means? Have you told them that defiance and whining means "being a brat" and that is unacceptable in your home? Have you told them what behavior you would rather see them use to communicate?

As you raise your children, assume that they have no idea what you talking about as you teach behavioral principles. When you tell them to "stop whining" show them with your voice the difference between a big girl voice and whining. If you are going to a location where they are expected to behave a certain way, explain exactly what your expectations are for the occasion. What does reverence mean? Are they to sit quietly with arms folded? Can they talk amongst themselves? Lay it out in plain terms so your chances of success are the best.

Even if you have older kids, err on the side of ignorance for their benefit. Once you have established definitions and expectations, consequences can follow. Until you have done that, you do not set the foundation to build trust with your child. Life becomes a guessing game and very rarely will the child win.

I've constructed the vision of this little girl in my head: eager, genuine, innocent toddler with pig tails. She is over the moon to be out with dad. She feels included. She is curious and filled with wonder.

I look to my own children and see these same characteristics. Why would I want to do anything that would jade their enthusiasm? Why would I ever want to confuse them? When I find myself frustrated and near the braking point, I often hear this little girl in my head and I pull back. I check myself. Have I done the job my kids deserve? Have I created an opportunity for success?

More often that not, I find that I have neglected my part. I am always pleased by the response I get when I make my hopes and expectations clear. Kids really do want to please and be obedient. As the parent, the responsibility falls to me to make sure I have helped them to know "what is a corner?"

2011-10-03T20:26:00.001-07:00

Do not mistake kindness for weakness.
- Brandi Williams

How Women Think

2011-09-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

I bought this nice dress on sale (50%) off and got it in a size smaller than where I was as a "goal" for myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I tried it on and it was SO tight.

I was so mad.

My other clothes are falling off of me but this stupid "goal" dress just won’t work.

I was mad at myself and the stupid designers who can’t size things right.

I was mad that I spent the money and I was sure this was a sign I'm destined to be a fat chick.

"See", I told myself," you aren’t really making any progress. You’re just as fat as usual."

I’ve been mulling this over in my head for the last two weeks. Over and over and over.

Today, I decided to try it on again.

And you wanna know why it didn’t fit before?

I didn’t undo the zipper all the way.

School Pics 2011-12

2011-09-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

Lexis's Kindergarten school picture

What Do You See?

2011-09-26T04:56:00.000-07:00

Do you see the musician or the woman?

I've lost nearly 40 pounds in 9 weeks. And I find myself disappointed in my efforts. I catch myself asking, "Why haven't I lost more? What can I do to ramp up my weight loss? Why is this taking so long?"

Next time I get on the scale, I just know it's going to say, "Just kidding fat ass!"

In my mind's eye, I'm no different than I was two months ago.

Doesn't this happen to so many of us when we're making changes for the better?

When you are working hard at something, and have been successful at that endeavor, it feels like your mind tries to convince you otherwise. When we work to be more forgiving, patient, kind, mindful, or empathetic how many of us delude ourselves into believing that on the inside we aren't those things?

How many of us see a distortion of who we really are?

The moments of mental weakness we have do not define us. Whether they be thoughts about saying the mean thing, or the thought of losing your temper, or the thought of eating the whole box of cookies. Yes, we are told we are judged by our thoughts. If you have a thought over and over and over, you will likely succumb to that idea.

But, what truly defines us is if we give in to the thought. If you fill your mind with who you want to be, your actions will follow.

One of the adversary's greatest tricks is to try and convince us that we are not doing good things. He knows our weaknesses. He knows our fears. He knows our insecurities.

Next time your mind is filled with thoughts that are contrary to the good you are doing: stop. Where are those thoughts coming from? Are they justified? Could you be doing better?

Or are you being tricked by an illusion crafted by the master of deceit?

My Favorite Thing

2011-09-24T21:48:00.000-07:00

Mi Familia

2011-09-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

While my mom was visiting, her cousin Gina (my Grandma Leona's sister's daughter) came to visit. We haven't seen her since my wedding - 9 years ago! When my girls and Allen asked me who she was, I told them how we were all related. They gave me sideways glances about the whole thing. So, I simply said, "She's gonna look like me." And when she walked in, they all said, "OH. MY."

Can you see the resemblance?

Another Year...

2011-09-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

Nine years of marriage.

We've done so much together that we could not have possibly done alone.

We've have been entrusted with three beautiful souls whose presence blesses us in ways beyond our mortal ability to comprehend.

We've suffered loss that only parents can know. We are the only two people on this planet who can truly say to eachother "I know how that feels" for the hope in each of us was the same.

We know the other's private dreams we are so hesitant to publicly share. The daily triumphs and heartbreaks that make up this life.

There are days, like today, when our eyes meet across the table amid the chaos and we still see each other. When the spark that brought us together is bright and vibrant.

There are days when those lights seem dark and hard to find. We feel like ships passing in the night; so close, yet on our own course and thus, unable to see the other.

When we are rowing in different directions with our sights set on our own aspirations, we become those distant ships.

But, when we focus on the same desire, with eternity as the destination, we are not only able to find each other on the stormy seas, but are one vessel with a common course.

The journey to that place is rarely pretty, decorated with the perfect smiles caught on film, but is filled with the times when we carry each other. When we are willing to reach out and lift the other to be with us, rather than go on alone. That is when we so clearly see that our fierce desire to be independent is not our greatest strength.

But that our ability to put aside our own selfish desires in order to be what the other needs, that is where our power lies.

This is the engine that keeps us propelling toward that great goal: to be with this family forever.

I would be nothing without this family.

Without you.

Happy Anniversary.

TYSL 2011 - U6 Girls

2011-09-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

Alexis of the Pink Pixies


Alexis with Mom (Coach Traci)

Where Were You?

2011-09-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

I was at home with Brent. I was living with them in their first ever home at the time and we both hadn't head our for our daily activities yet. He woke me up and we sat paralyzed in front of the TV. Allen soon came home from his new job at the Livermore Lab. Laura joined us later as she was teaching and had to take care of her class before she could come home to us.

We all felt disbelief and sorrow. We all felt anger and rage toward those who would go to such effort to intentionally hurt others. In the midst of all that was a surreal quality. The horror of it all was almost too much to grasp.

The boys talked of joining the military. They had both danced around the idea for some time. The sense of duty and responsibility that had been dormant was instantly awakened. Their desire to serve increased as the news coverage continued throughout the day. There was no official declaration, but it was clear our country had been called to war.

The following week at work, a client arrived to ride his horse. He had been in the bottom of one of the towers that was hit. He was on travel for work - he was a Wall Street guy - and was in the lobby on his way to a meeting when the plane crashed. He rushed out amid the hundreds who were also fleeing. As he was trying to escape, a woman was knocked to the ground and about to be trampled. He grabbed her arm and saved her from the mob. He recalled being in the street and watching the papers and people being sucked from windows of the floors nearest the crash site. He also saw those desperate souls who jumped. He was visibly changed.

I know I'm not the only person who has difficulty finding the words to honor those who unwillingly and willingly lost their lives that day. What I do know is that I am intensely proud to be an American. I know that beneath the political discourse and imperfectly run government are millions of people who would die for their fellow American. Who have died in the service of another. And who will die as they strive to protect and give freedom to our brothers and sisters here at home and worldwide.

September 11, 2001. I know I won't forget.

I Have To Admit...

2011-09-11T04:34:00.000-07:00

I miss this.

Flashback: Fall 2010

2011-09-10T04:32:00.000-07:00

2011-09-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

Praise To The Man

2011-09-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

I've had the great fortune to be deeply insulted by someone. I was under the impression that my involvement in this person's life was helpful. However, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I had not helped at all. Not only had I not been helpful, I was told, but I had been hurtful.

I was called evil. I was told I was a hypocrite in both word and deed. I was told I wouldn't make it to Heaven. I was called a bully. I was told I have a personality disorder. I was told I have no character.

Of course, my initial reaction was defensiveness. I wanted to state my case and correct the author. I wanted to refute such charges. Instead, I chose to withhold my response and ponder the situation.

I shared my experience with those closest to me. They know my heart. They also know my ugly. I asked if this person was right. Was I really an evil person? Was I a hypocrite? Was I so focused on the riches of the world, I had forsaken my covenants? Was I a person void of integrity?

I mean, I could see how my strong personality could make a person feel bullied. But, the other claims were not as easy for me to swallow. I actually pride myself on being a person who is consistent in word and action. When I make a commitment to people, I keep that commitment to the best of my abilities. While Allen and I are financially blessed, we try to be as free with our blessings as the Lord has been with us.

As I mulled this situation over in my mind and heart, those who know me best assured me that I was not any of those awful things. They also knew the context within which I received these criticisms, and made sure I saw that that I was attacked because I had asked another to be accountable for his behavior. They helped me remember the erratic nature of this person even prior to this diatribe of insults, and that at no point had my efforts ever been received with gratitude.

Even though I had an answer as to why this other person could respond to generosity with such hateful sentiment, I feel that to walk away without having learned something about myself would be a waste of an experience. Surely I wasn't completely blameless in the situation.

My fault in the scenario wasn't in holding this person accountable. It wasn't in giving the service. My fault was expecting to be thanked for that service.

I really thought I was helping. I really thought I was creating a chance for this person to make some strides in life. And I thought I would at least get a thank you.

And there was my error.

I gave the service based on a spiritual prompting and was being obedient to that prompting. But, ultimately I was seeking the praise of man. I was hoping I would make a difference and be rewarded in the form of gratitude. I was hoping that this person would look back have fond feelings toward me and mine.

Allen and I have a rule about lending out our material belongings: if we would be mad if it never came back, we don't lend it out. For me, that is easy; I don't think twice about it. I value people way more than things. But I do expect a thank you. My pride wants the recognition of my service. I want to be liked. I want to be appreciated. I seek that from man. I seek that appreciation in my own family; I want them to see how hard I've worked and acknowledge the fruits of my labor. When I feel unappreciated, it makes me feel resentment toward those for whom I have provided service. I feel frustrated. But mostly, I feel hurt.

That right there is a complete recipe for failure.

When I give service, I need to do so without any expectations. I need to do it because I need to give. I need to give of myself, my time and all that I have without any strings attached.

If I never hear another thank you in my life, I should still be willing to give in the same way. I should do so because it is the right thing to do. I should do so because Heavenly Father is counting on me to help his children. I need to focus on what will earn me the praise of God.

Carmel By The Sea

2011-08-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

Allen traveled so often during the last 18 months, he racked up a couple of weeks worth of free nights at Hyatt resorts. But when we started seeing what resorts we could go to, we quickly realized that what was equal to a week's worth of time in Albuquerque was not equal to a week's worth of time at the resorts offered here in California.

We decided to take a quick weekend vacay to Carmel - without the kiddos! Grandma and Aunt Laura split up wrangling our shortlings so we could enjoy our first night away in over 4 years.

Lunch over looking Monterey Bay.

There is something about the beach and the ocean that is so appealing to all the senses. Simply gorgeous.

Do you think he was contemplating life's mysteries?

Nah. He was hunting. Look what he found.

The room. The entire West side of the room was glass with a slider going onto a private patio. We left the door open to let in the cool ocean breeze, but the fire kept the room nice and warm.

The view from our room.

We went for a hike at Point Lobos.

Seals (or sea lions or whatever ones they were; who can tell the difference anyways) sunbathing.

Sweep the leg! Put him in a body bag Johnny!

Fear doesn't exist in this dojo.

I have to admit, for the first few hours I kept expecting someone to have a meltdown. Or to need to stop to change a diaper. Or find a place that is safe for Emily to eat. Allowing ourselves to enjoy the flexibility of being on our own was a little discombobulating.

But we got over that pretty quickly and had a great time. We stayed up late and laughed hard and slept in (well I did. Allen got up at 6 and read the paper and such things.) and just enjoyed being Allen and Traci for a while.

It felt really good to have "us" back for a couple of days.

Where We're At: Emily

2011-08-27T00:09:00.000-07:00

Miss Emmy is 16 months old now. She is a real force to be reckoned with and has a bigger than life personality. She has an effervesent presence and is extremely charming. She is a social butterfly and a complete clown. She is a busy little girl; she almost never sits still and is always into something. She likes to raid the pantry and I often find soup cans and other items scattered throughout the house. She still loves to climb and spends a lot of her day teetering off of the chairs while leaning on the table's edge. She already loves sports. She can dribble a soccer ball and set up the softball tee and hit the ball by herself. Have a mentioned she's a total self-starter?

She continues to be a pretty happy child most of the time. She has, however, perfected the "witching hour meltdown" and is mostly unhappy from about 5:30 till 7 p.m. every night. Outside of those few hours, she is content to play by herself or with her sisters. But, she also enjoys tormenting Addison a lot of the time. Addie tries so hard to be kind, but Emily doesn't usually want the attention. I do catch them hugging and comforting each other some of the time so I know this is just a stage.

Emily has finally started napping in her crib. Up to this point, she was napping in her swing. She is down to one nap a day and goes down without a fuss. She also (finally) goes to bed at night without screaming herself to sleep. It's only taken almost a year and a half to get here, but at least we've climbed that mountain.

Emily uses a few words to help express herself. She can say, "Thank you, please, night-night, Addie, Enzo, dog, Mama, Dad, and ya." She uses sign language to tell us when she's all done with her meals (or anything else for that matter). She also nods and shakes her head when she's tired and wants to tell us how she's feeling but doesn't want to talk.

Emily is really attached to her pacifier. Because neither of our other girls were ever "binky babies", this is new for me. I try not to spend too much time worrying about it because I know at some point she'll ditch the thing. She won't go to Kindergarten with a pacifier in her face.

Emily's shown some change with regard to her food allergies. With reflux medication, it seems she can eat a few more foods without an allergic response. This tells me that maybe some of her allergy symptoms were actually reflux symptoms. She has eaten gold fish crackers without any type of response. Those things have all of the top allergens in them so that is encouraging. However, she is still "not thriving" by clinical standards as she's only gained one pound in the last 10 months. We do see her allergist this month and will follow up with testing and the dog allergy problem to find out if we will have to be a dog free family or not.

Despite her pretty limited diet, she loves to eat most foods. She opens the pantry door or tries to climb into her high chair when she is hungry. She's starting to notice when she's not allowed to eat what the other kids are having and has been really frustrated a few times. I try really hard to always have a substitute for her to avoid making her feel left out.

Little Emmy is shaping up to be a dynamic little girl. With all of the challenges she has given us, she has also greatly blessed our lives. She is an easy girl to love. This next year will prove to be a lot of fun as she grows up and becomes more independent and better able to express herself.

Weighty Matters

2011-08-26T23:52:00.000-07:00

I'm about 6 weeks into my Medifast program. I've lost 25 lbs. I've learned a lot about myself in this short amount of time.

My Triumphs have been:

- eating only my medifast meals and lean and greens unless I specifically plan otherwise (like on vacations or a very special occasion - I allow myself to have one "cheat" meal a week)
- not giving into emotional cravings
- I'm on day 5 of being alone with the kids while Allen's out of town and haven't cheated. (on the diet. geez. what's wrong with you guys?)
- went to McDonalds to get Lexi an ice cream after the first day of school and didn't order any food. Just a regular sized Diet Coke (for those of you who know me, this is HUGE)
- I can now tell the difference between hunger and thirst
- I can tell the difference between boredom and hunger
- We went to the baseball game and I didn't get a single thing. Not one.

My Fails have been:
- feeling impatient
- allowing my hunger or frustration to effect my behavior negatively
- not drinking all of my water each day; it's hard to get that gallon down sometimes

Why I like this particular program:
- it's nutritionally balanced
- it's basically fool proof
- I don't take any drugs or appetite suppressants so I'm really having to listen to my body.
- I've been successful at it while raising three small children on inconsistent exercise.
- The results are quick enough that I stay motivated.

Why I don't:
- The food can be a bit dull, but it's good enough that I'm sticking with it so it can't be that bad.

What I look like now:

Thanks to my photographer for this shoot: Lexi

So it's a bit cheesy, but I was trying to do this while the kids were running around yelling and we were running out the door to school. I'm kinda proud I was willing to take the picture; I haven't allowed a full body picture of myself to be taken for about 3 years.

97!

2011-08-25T00:04:00.000-07:00

Granpda Tweet turned 97 this year. Aunt Marti was in town so we had a little shindig at our place.

I have so many fond memories of my time with Granpda. I was his shadow when we went for visits. While he wasn't a perfect man, he was the perfect grandfather.

I love seeing the light in his eyes when he's around the girls. They shower him with affection and dote on him every minute that he's here. He comes to life when they are present.

I am so grateful for this time. I'm so grateful my girls know him and might even have some memories of him. He is a treasure to our family and I would love to have yet another birthday to celebrate with him next year.

I Ain't No Short Order Cook!

2011-08-23T23:19:00.000-07:00

Oh. Wait. Yes I am.

For Lexi. Our now "normal" eater.

For Addison. To accommodate the feeding aversion.

For Emily. Our child who is allergic to soy, dairy, gluten and eggs. (Yes, those are yolks. She can eat those thank goodness.)

For me. My "lean and green" meal.

This is what every meal looks like around my place. Every body has to eat different. I can't wait till the day when I can serve everyone the same thing and not have to put up with this!

So I guess the means I'm running a restaurant, too.

Lexi's First Day of School

2011-08-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

Lexi started kindergarten this year. I had a lot of people ask me if I was going to cry. My response was always the same: Heck no! I've been waiting for this day for the last five years.

Lexi was ready. I was ready. Her sisters were ready. It was time for Lexi to leave the nest.

We went on a special school shopping trip and she chose her very own backpack. I'm pretty sure she put it on about 2 hours before we had to leave.

Lexi's version of silly face.

Lexi, Addie and Emily

Lexi and Addie doing silly face.

What little girl wouldn't want her Dad to walk her to school?

Lexi with Mrs. Silva, her teacher.

Our school has a separate playground just for the kindergarten kids.

Our very own, very animated kindergarten yard duty.

Every morning they sing a silly song while they stand in line.

Lexi's classroom.

Lexi had a great first day.

And there really was no crying at all.

You Know You're a Redneck...

2011-08-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

when this is your version of "home theater seating":

Knot Head

2011-08-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

Allen's been complaining of a stiff neck and shoulder. He attributes it to the many hours he has spent carrying his laptop and luggage through airports and such.

I attribute it to this:

Allen's pillow.

Awwww Addie

2011-08-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

Well, Did You Ponder?

2011-08-13T23:09:00.000-07:00

Shall I explain my thinking behind the previous post? This is an idea I've tumbled around in my brain as Allen and I are challenged in our role as parents.

Neither of us has spent much time, aside from our time as parents, with young children. Or studying young children. Our career choices had nothing to do with children. Our hobbies generally had nothing to do with children. In fact, we chose to avoid childhood development classes as electives in college.

So, we are kind of flying by the seat of our pants with this whole parenting young children thing. Besides conferring with moms whose children exemplify the behaviors I want my own kids to have, implementing gospel teaching into our daily lives, and going with my gut, we've had nothing but our own childhood experiences to help guide us on this journey.

Allen often says, "When I was a kid..." when we discuss discipline for our girls. But what it's easy to forget as we reach back to our own experiences for current direction is that our memories do not include our early childhood years in much detail. There are snippets, flashes or cloudy recollection, but nothing concrete.

And I don't care what you say, no one accurately remembers much before the age of two.

Put this together. What did you determine? If you are parenting from your memories, you are probably using techniques that are appropriate for the 8 and up range. No, really. Think about most of your memories about discipline. Do you remember how your mom consistently reacted to you at 18 months? Unlikely. Three? Perhaps, but on a consistent basis? Doubtful. Five? Ok, yeah, more often, but it's still sketchy I bet.

But, you can clearly recall when you were 8 or 9 and really ticked off Mom or Dad. Or totally broke curfew at 16. Those moments are crystal clear and will serve you well when your kids are 8 or 16. But not 2, 3 or even 5.

I've tried to fill that unavoidable and very human gap by reading many, many books on childhood development and different parenting styles. Thank goodness I have! Otherwise, I'd be lecturing my 18 month old about using logic go come to daily conclusions. Or making them write sentences. Or drilling their windows shut with bolts (not that my parents would ever need to bolt my window shut...).

I put this out there so that those of us who are in the extremely influential position of parenting the young children of this world will take a minute to evaluate our approach. To build a relationship of trust with your child, you must prepare them for your expectations, explain your expectations in a way they can truly understand and make consequences that fit the crime. Over punishing a young child will not only negate the lesson, but it will also create a relationship built on doubt and insecurity.

And that will ruin your chance to use all those awesome techniques you have in your arsenal because you will have no relationship with them at all.

Ponder This

2011-08-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

If you are parenting from memories of your childhood and your parent's techniques

and

your children are under the age of 8

then

you are parenting above their ability to understand, reason and respond.

Pillow Talk...Riddle Style

2011-08-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

{Allen kneeling bedside for nightly personal prayer.}

Me {reading a book in bed. Sing-song mocking}: It's not gonna heeellllpppp...

Allen {trying to stifle open laughter}: SSSHHHH! I'm praying for your soul!

Silence as Allen commences praying.

Me {snake-like whisper}: s-s-s-s-s-s-sinner.

And...

2011-08-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

I've stopped reading food blogs and watching Food Network.

{Gasp!}

I love to cook.

I love people to eat what I cook.

I love when they are filled with warm, gooey, satisfying goodness and complete satisfaction because of something I made.

But, alas, reading about and watching the creation of such ooey, gooey goodness has prompted many late night inventions.

Most of which are exceedingly delightful.

But also exceedingly fatty.

And it hasn't really helped me as much as I thought it would.

As I've known to do, I'm choosing to be black and white on the issue.

I figure better no temptation at this point.

What purpose would that serve me?

None. It would be sabotage. And I don't want to be one of those self-defeatist type people.

(Plus, I think it makes people hesitant to be your friend.)

I do miss them. (The foodie things. Not my friends. I still have most of them.)

You know what I don't miss?

The 16 lbs. I've lost.

Today I'm Grateful For...

2011-08-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

Our rockin' health benefits.

Emily has needed omeprazole for her reflux since day 2. We use Zegerid 40 mg packets. They are not available over the counter. We get a whole box of little packets once a month.


This is what we pay once a month to keep her insides where they belong.

This is what we would pay without insurance:

A crack cocaine habit would cost less.

Like I said, I'm grateful for our rockin' benefits.

The Power of Positive Parenting

2011-07-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

I love this book. This is my second time through the book. It's by Dr. Glenn I. Latham. His points are so common sense and so logical, but so easy to forget in the heat of parenting. So, I figure I'll read it now so that in the heat of parenting, I will already have some tools in my arsenal and avoid the common escalation that takes place between parents and children.

It's a little unusual in that it reads more like a textbook than your typical parenting book. It encompasses all age groups so every parent out there can benefit from reading it. I believe it is one of those books that will absolutely change your relationship with your child (or anyone who insists on acting like a child).

Here are a few ideas that hit home for me:

- Unlike the past, circumstances aren't going to raise our children. We are! (i.e: not completing the chore of chopping wood will lead to no fire which will lead to no dinner. that type of scenario very rarely exists so we as parents must set the expectations and consequences of behavior choices)

- Parents are typically five to six times more likely to have negative interactions with their children than they are to have positive interactions with them. Parents are so anxious to set their children straight that they feel compelled to "nip it in the bud" by getting after their kids EVERY time they do something wrong. Unfortunately, this ultimately produces just the opposite of what is desired. Since behavior is typically strengthened by parental attention (positive or negative), by attending to inappropriate behavior we are far more likely to increase its frequency. The far better way is to give positive attention to the things our children do appropriately. (The behavior he speaks of is "age appropriate junk behavior" such as whining. Of course, some behaviors must be death with and squelched and his gives great examples on how to do so without engaging in argument or power struggles or by coercion.)

- Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability for making things better, don't say it and don't do it.

- Misbehavior in children must be recognized as a need to teach appropriate behavior, not an excuse to punish. Punishment is a terrible teacher; it only teaches children how to misbehave. (How true! Correction must include direction.)

- It is important to understand that treatment might not have the immediate effect we want it to have. In fact, in some instances the behavior might get worse for a short period of time. However, if the treatment is correct and correctly applied, regardless of what behavior is being treated, the probability is very grew that the behavior will eventually improve. (We want things to be perfect and we want it now! I can tell you that my experience with training horses has absolutely made this point clear. Things almost always get worse before they get better and the first time you try to teach anything is always going to be the ugliest. But if you know what you're doing is founded on sound principles, stick to it!)

- Fix the environment, fix the child. (Get your crap together and be consistent.)

- Good parenting requires constant tuning and retuning the environment of home and family.

- Our job isn't to create perfect, risk-free children. That is impossible. Our job is to create in our home an environments that will teach children and reinforce children for behaving appropriately.

- As parents we must realize that children are in the process of becoming civilized.

- Clearly communicate your expectations to your children.

- Pay no matter to inconsequential behaviors you don't want repeated.

- Never tell children something they already know. Let them tell you. (When teaching, don't ask and answer out of frustration. Wait for your child to remember what they know and give them space to be heard. For example, what are privileges they enjoy when they behave correctly, what are consequences for making poor choices.)

- Agreeing with parental expectations is less important than understanding them.

- Don't be distracted by age-typical, garden-variety, weed behavior. (Such as eye rolling.)

- Children will engage in junk behavior over which we parents have zero control. (Annoying yet harmless fads and phases that are best ignored. Not worth damaging your relationship over.)

- Virtually all children, in the course of a day, will do or say something that is worth reinforcing. (Even the really rotten ones.)

- People never outgrow their need for positive praise.

And this is just from the first three chapters. I'll continue to share little snippets as I read on further. Some of the meaning is lost without the context so, of course, I encourage every one of you who is a parent, knows a parent, knows a child, or is breathing to run out and read this book.

Choosing Health

2011-07-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, I asked my doctors about LapBand surgery. My weight had hit an all-time high. I was having some unfortunate health symptoms as well. Both of my doctors said absolutely not. They would not approve surgery for a young woman who could try some other methods first.

They both told me I had 75 lbs. to lose. Holy shiz! Thats a lot of weight.

And they they both recommended Medi-fast.

Oddly enough, I had been communicating with one of their health coaches for a couple of months. But I hadn't been ready to pull the trigger.

I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I relax. I eat when I have company. I eat when I'm alone.

Who exactly will I be without food? Will I really find other activities to fill my time and be able to feel fulfilled?

Plus, what if two years from now I'm a fat ass again? My biggest fear about doing something like this is that I'll fail. I don't fail. I succeed. When something challenges me, I learn all that I can and work as hard as I can until I own it. How am I going to look you guys in the face if I don't win this time?

I've always been able to overcome just about anything I want. Except my food cravings. For that reason, I've never sincerely tried to deal with my dysfunctional relationship with food. I stayed as far away as possible because the mere thought of failure is so discouraging.

But, I hate being fat more than I hate the idea of failure. I hate knowing that people question my athleticism because of my weight. I hate knowing that my clothes look bad. I hate feeling my skin rub and my back jiggle. I hate knowing that my true self is hidden beneath a disguise of extra weight.

That impetus has fueled my efforts.

I've lost 14 lbs. in two weeks.

Don't let that number fool you into thinking it's easy. It's not. It's really hard. I want to eat everything I see most of the time. I feel hungry all of the time. I get cranky sometimes and have to reel my emotions back in and get in touch with reality about 57 times a day. I want to eat pizza and McDonalds when the days are long.

But, I've looked my food addiction in the eye and haven't given in yet. I've squared my shoulders and grilled chicken breast when pepperoni was seductively whispering my name. I've had a full glass of water to quell sugar cravings. I've replaced boredom eating with 15 minute tasks that help me make it through the physical temptation to put food into my face that doesn't need to be there.

It's been hour by hour and even minute by minute some days. When it gets really tough, I journal. I haven't cried yet, but I it might happen here in the near future.

My coach checks in with me several times a week. She also has 3 kids (but they are 4 and under and includes a set of twins!) and has kept off 85 lbs. She lives my life and knows exactly what I'm going through.

When I hit my goal weight, she'll spend 3 months teaching me how to incorporate healthy food back into my diet so I will never be fat again.

Everyday, just as my little shaker bottle declares, I choose health. I choose health a million times a day because I hate being fat more than I hate being hungry. More than I hate feeling sluggish. I want my body back.

I want out from underneath the disguise.

Free!

2011-07-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

All of those items were free. I stacked manufacturer coupons with store sales and spent zero dollars.

The Pringles were a gift for my Dad since he just loves those chips to death. I've have been giving him a can when I see him. It makes him happy. Plus he shares his coupons with me, so I figure it's the least I can do to share my findings with him.

Those razors retail for $9.99 each. That is almost $50 savings!

When I was in the check out line, the cashier asked me if I just threw my free stuff away. I was appalled! The thought had never crossed my mind. I've decided that once my family's needs are met and we have a little stockpile, I'll donate any excess items to the local interfaith ministry or to the troops. I can also send my expired coupons to enlisted men and women who are allowed to use them anyways.

Couponing takes some effort, I'll admit. But, I've saved upwards of $500 in the last 6 weeks on toiletries and groceries that we normally pay full price for. My best saving to date is 88% for $119. I paid $16 out of pocket on that trip and even earned another $7 to spend in the store later.

What I absolutely love the most is the mental exercise I get from my efforts. Being a stay at home of very young kids doesn't challenge the brain in the same ways that being in the work force does. I miss that quite a bit. This provides a way for me to help my family save money and keep me a little more sane.

It can seem daunting and too time consuming, but I've found it fits right into my life without being too painful. If you have questions, email me or put it in a comment. I'm no pro, but I can certainly tell you what's worked for me.

Traci Riddle: Raw

2011-07-20T23:58:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a bit raw these days. And no, I'm not talking about my shorts chafing me.

I'm feeling a myriad of emotions. And I'm having a hard time grappling with them all. Usually, I mull over these posts and author them over and over in my head until they perfectly represent my state of mind. However, I'm so disturbed I'm having a hard time organizing my own feelings.

As I've tried to make sense of what got me here, I've spent a lot of time examining my behavior. My purest intentions. I've revisited what defines me and what makes me tick.

I'm glad to say I'm still who I thought I was. I guess what hurts is that what I am isn't enough for some people. The sting is thick. It burrows to my core. I don't doubt myself, but I wonder what it is people in this world really want from others.

It can't be generosity.

It can't be forgiveness.

It can't be empathy.

It sure as hell isn't honesty.

When you open yourself up to people and they make it perfectly clear they not only don't appreciate your efforts, but they openly despise you, it can send you reeling.

I am reeling.

I feel how McCaully Caulkin looked in Home Alone when he burns his face off. Except my surprise at the sting is deep within.

I suppose I had it coming, though. The great Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." My dad has also warned, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

So, why, when it's clearly obvious that investing is the stupid and risky thing to do, am I willing to do so?

Because that is who I am. I'd give my shirt to the first person I met who needed it. I'd bend over backwards to the point of breaking to help a person succeed. I'd give my last dollar to help another make ends meet. I'm willing to sacrifice my own comfort to make someone else feel comforted.

And I hate that I now I question whether it's worth it to stick my neck out when it's so easy for another to step right on it.

I hate it for a couple of reasons.

The first is because it goes against my nature to withhold service from anyone who may be in need. It feels physically wrong to watch someone need assistance and to know I can ease their burden, but to keep my talents buried in order to protect myself.

Not only does it feel intrinsically wrong, but I have made covenants to share all that I have to help others on this planet. To freely give of myself, my talents and my belongings if it would better the life of someone else. I don't take that lightly.

The second is that I hate giving someone else that type of power. Why should someone else's bad behavior change me? I should keep doing what is right even if it isn't appreciated.

But, I'm human. And I really don't like hurt. I don't like losing sleep at night about this stuff. I like a clear conscience. I like knowing I did everything I could to choose the right and it all ends well because I do that.

Funny thing is, I was pretty sure I had chosen the right. And here I am, feeling loathed. How does that even work?

Another good question is: why do I take it personal? Why internalize what one person has to say? Is it a reflection of me or could it really be a reflection of who they are and where they are in life?

But, I hate being made to feel like I have let a person down. Or that my character is questionable.

Sure, I'm not perfect. But I'm genuine. I'm a lot of things; a liar isn't one of them.

And when my authenticity is challenged, not only am I deeply wounded. I get pissed.

Right now, I'm pissed.

Amid this tornado of betrayal, shock, hurt, and frustration, there is one thought that is consistent in my mind as I mull this over and over and over day after day.

The Savior gave his all.

He was even willing to give his own life.

He was despitefully used.

His great act of sacrifice was mocked.

Even now, his work goes unappreciated by millions.

Not so much as a "Thank You" was offered to him by so many who reaped the benefits of his efforts.

I, myself, have been guilty of not truly appreciating how my life has been changed by him.

And while I'm no Savior, he has asked me to emulate his great teachings. He has asked me to mourn with those that mourn. To comfort those in need of comfort. To give everything to help with the building up of his kingdom. He has asked me to pray for them that spitefully use me. He has asked me to forgive not only seven times, but seven times seventy.

Once again, I lean on his perfection and his sacrifice to mend the gap that I can't bridge on my own. He will not only heal my heart, but he will give me the capacity to forgive my offenders.

I've got to be genuine to who I am and what I know to be true. I refuse to let another dictate my moral choices. I'm still gonna offer my shirt to the needy. And feed the hungry. And blindly trust a stranger who needs an opportunity.

And I'm going rely on my Savior to make up the rest.

It's Alive!

2011-07-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

They doubted him.

They told him he was wrong.

They kept him mired down in red tape and petty arguments.

They tried to bully him into changing his method.

For the last 18 months, this job has tested the very limits of his sanity.

But...

IT WORKS!

Here's to our very own mad scientist.

We knew you would make it happen.

Keep givin' them hell!

Prophetic Humor

2011-07-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

To live with Saints in Heaven is bliss and glory

To live with Saints on Earth is another story.

- Brigham Young

Yes, We Have a Parade

2011-07-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Lexi still believes that the faster you wave, the more candy you get.

My favorite part of her outfit: the Cinderella slippers.

Emmy flying high.

Cute cousin Claire.

Uncle Brent's store had a Happy Birthday America cake float. It was awesome!

Uncle Brent and Ben.

I'm not sure if this was the Statue of Liberty or if they just wanted to have a toga party. Fun float, though.

The boy clown in the husband and wife clown team of Tracy.

Lexi and Nolan on the kiddie coaster at the park.

Uncle Craig and Papa looking so comfy in the kiddie cars with the girls.

Happy 4th!

Food Allergies Suck

2011-07-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

Emily is allergic to:

Dairy
Soy
Gluten
Eggs

and while this isn't a food allergy, she is also allergic to

DOGS.

I dare you to pull 5 things out of your pantry and/or fridge or even medicine chest that do not have dairy, soy, wheat, barley, oats (cross-contamination) or eggs in them. Read the labels carefully now.

Natural flavoring is evil just so you know. And soy lecithin. And soy can also be hidden in magnesium stearate. Also, anything listed as "vegetable oil" is soy based. And gluten is hidden in caramel color. Casein, whey, and lactose are just different words for dairy. What you may want to also know is nearly, if not all pharmaceutical companies use anhydrous (basically dehydrated) lactose as a filler.

Exactly.

I do not dare you to pull out 5 things that don't have dog in them. 'Cause if you have dog in your pantry items, you have it way worse than me.

The end.

*Thank you to the extremely allergic, but also extremely educated, Aunt Mart-eye for the exhaustive (if not totally depressing) list of things that we can't eat, breathe, or rub ourselves on.

The Five Stages Preceeding a Nap

2011-07-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

and lastly

5. Acceptance

Berry Picking

2011-07-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

It's blueberry season here in California and we went out to the local patch with our good friends to harvest our very own crop. Then, we canned them and made super yummy blueberry pie filling.

I told Addie the kind to pick and to fill her buckets. She was such a great worker. She didn't complain once and worked until we were all done. It was easily 95 degrees and we were there in the hottest part of the day.

Lexi dove in too. I think our migrant worker heritage came through for us.

Emily helped, but she ate most of her haul.

Lauren and Lexi. Look at their poor red faces. The kids were all so great.

We're dying Mom! Trying to recover from the heat.

Emily enjoying the shaded play area while we totaled what we picked.

10 lbs! That may not look like much, but those berries aren't that big. That's a lot of berries!

Happy and grateful to be done.

Girl's Trip

2011-07-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

Lexi and I made a big girl's only trip to Idaho. We stayed with Aunt Marti and Uncle Brian. We partied with Nana and Opa. Lexi was spoiled rotten and I got to sleep in and take a nap since everyone else was more than happy to spend some time with her.

Waiting for our shuttle to head to the airport.

Meeting the pilot. At the end of the flight, he was waiting for Lexi by the door. He called her by name and said goodbye. She gave him a thumbs up and told him he had done a good job.

Our little fire for roasting marshmallows.

Nana realized anyone trying to actually roast anything on the fire would suffer 3rd degree burns so she found a solution to our problem.

Nom! Nom!

Late night food run with Uncle Brian. An elderly man pulled up next to them and was giving Brian tips on how to drive fast and which cart was the best.

ooops.

Nana, Lexi and Me having lunch.

Thanks guys for the awesome trip. It went way too fast!

My Addison

2011-07-09T10:29:00.000-07:00